Ashes, The Final step...
My mom picked up Orson's ashes for me today.
For some reason I was unable to get them myself, so she finally decided it was long enough and went for me.
I kept putting it off, and putting it off...
In my mind, I thought as long as I don't have the ashes, than maybe he wasn't gone, maybe when I go, he will be there waiting for me...I knew that I was being crazy, but the reality of getting the ashes was too hard to bare.
When I did get them, I instantly cried, maybe harder than ever, I know in this small box is what's left of my baby, and the history we shared, and the life he lived was now broken down into elements that are in the form of ashes.
Where did he go?
Will he know I am thinking about him?
Will he wait for me until the day I go to find him?
I had hoped the pain would fade, but it really hasn't.
It seems so much worse the longer they are gone, because we know they are not coming back to us.
It may seem odd that someone would be so devestated about a dog, but he was the greatest thing that ever happened to my life, and I found unconditional love with him.
I come home now, and he isn't waiting for me...He isn't looking out the door when I leave for work, he doesn't hug me, or snuggle next to me at night, he doesn't rest his chin on my lap.
The one thing I will miss more than anything was when he would look at me, and he would just stare at me...he wouldn't stop for long periods of time, I don't think he was looking at me, I think he was looking inside of me.
I know I will be fine, I know in the end all of this will makes sense, I know, I know, I know.
I read about others who have lost their loved ones, and I feel their pain very deeply.
I know what they are going through, and I know how intense the feelings can be.
I want to comfort people, but I know that when people tried to comfort me, it didn't help much.
When you feel so lost, and hurt, nothing makes you feel better.
Thanks for reading
Jeff
