I participated here on BW for many years and then for whatever reason it became too painful for me. So many great people here sharing about their babies and wonderful times spent with them.....but the injuries, surgeries, medications and eventual losses tore at my heart so much and I had to take a break. The content here on BW and the members generous spirits had gotten me through the worst time of my life when I lost my precious girl Cami in 2010. She never saw her 7th birthday.....and now I return again completely shattered after losing the remaining part of my heart. There is nothing left. Raine died suddenly and completely unexpected on Fri, Feb. 1st. She was 8 years and 7 months to the day. She was doing her most favorite thing in the world. Walking with her mommy. Her heart just stopped and she was gone. I administered CPR but she was already gone. I couldn't save her. The person who she trusted most in the world wasn't able to fix her. Why wasn't I strong enough to run faster as I carried her 60lb limp body in my arms? I screamed at her over and over as I ran carrying her home to stay with me, please Raine, stay with mommy. Don't leave me. In my complete panic I never asked God to help us. Never asked him to save her. I am not trying to get religious on a public forum but for those who believe I know you will understand. It's usually our first "go to" thought when we are facing a challenge. Why didn't I have that thought or did I and just can't remember now? She was FINE. We knew she had the dreaded Boxer cardiomyopathy and she had been taking meds for it since age 3 but was never symptomatic and it was a stagnant disease for her. They say that sometimes their first symptom is their last and in her case it would fit the bill but too many times, thousands, those dogs were not diagnosed! We were doing everything right but it obviously wasn't enough. Her parents were health tested and cleared. She walked twice a day, every single day. She was healthy. And then she was gone. Just gone. No longer here. And the world kept going. To anyone who has never lost a Boxer the silence left in the home is deafening. Try to prepare yourself for that noise. They are such a huge presence. My entire life and way of living was based on her and her needs. She had never been left alone for longer than 3 hours in her life. I spent every single day of her life living in 3 hour increments and it was HARD but I did it and I would gladly do it for eternity if she was here. Raine was work. A lot of work! She was the exact thing we needed after losing Cami. We didn't know it but her energy and demanding puppy-ness was what we required to take our minds off of losing Cami. A "normal" dog wasn't going to cut it so we unknowingly got exactly what we needed. A complete handful. We had no time to do anything else but "do" Raine! She was a beautiful spoiled brat who got anything and everything she wanted. If she was out of her daily organic Chiquita bananas and it was midnight, you went to the store to get her one. To deal with the whining and constant in your face pushy behavior, and pawing at you to get what she wanted was too funny. She was demanding and it drove me crazy but she was so incredibly sweet and loving. And my protector. I will miss knowing that she would alert me to anything and EVERYTHING, even the fly landing on a table in a house 3 streets away. If it happened she knew it and let you know it. So over the top she was. We had to disconnect our doorbell and then should have put up a sign that said DON'T KNOCK or just don't even bother coming to our house ever! Raine freaked out anytime anyone so much as walked down the sidewalk in front of the house. It was a habit that we couldn't train away and we tried on a daily basis. All my daily habits are useless now. I don't have to put the remote on the couch where I was sitting if I have to get up for a minute since she isn't here to take my spot from me. "Move your feet, lose your seat" was a game she played with me every single day, multiple times a day! I don't have to put the bell up every night that hangs from the door she used. The cat ringing it won't wake Raine up in the middle of the night. She never slept through the night anyhow but the cat would ring it when she was sleeping. If Raine was awake no matter what time it was it was play time. I have a bag of probably 10 brand new balls that were her favorite. She has and I am not lying at least 100 of of these things. But the joy she got from a new ball was mind blowing and I loved giving them to her despite my husband saying she has 10 RIGHT THERE in plain sight! Now I wish I had given them to her and not saved them. Why didn't I give them to her more frequently? Why didn't I allow her more joy? Why didn't I give her the 2nd "bank biscuit" we got a couple of weeks ago at the bank drive thru? I should have given it to her then and not waited. She could have had a bit more happiness had I not waited for it to make her happy later. THERE IS NO LATER. There is no more "hide it". A game she invented by hiding balls under blankets. She would bring her ball to a blanket and then drop the ball and grab the blanket with her mouth and cover the ball. All this was so that she could jackhammer the heck out of it! I will never see that again. Why didn't I ever get a video of her doing that? There will be no more "face tennis". Another game she invented that too only remains in my minds eye. We played tennis with her ball. She would lay on the ground and use her face to hit the ball to me and we just pushed the ball back and forth to each other over and over (me using a hand and not my face)! You could say face tennis and she knew what to do. I just gave it a name. No more push the ball under the couch and make daddy get it game. No more middle of the night headstands and somersaults. No more demands for belly rubs. No more beautiful kisses. No more back talk. No more standing on my leg on the bed so she could look at herself in the mirror. No more reason to say Raine knock it off! For whatever it was that she might be doing. I bought her a peephole to look out of a privacy fence that never got installed. She will never get to use it. I think she would have liked that. I have the rest of my life to live without her. I don't know how that is even going to be a possibility. We have never lost a pet suddenly. All of them have dealt with disease in some form and we did everything in our power to help them thrive and when it was time we had to make the tough decision to help them go. That was always excruciating and left us broken and it seemed as if we mourned them before they were gone because we knew their time was limited. BUT THIS…..this is nothing short of torture. I know we are not the first to experience this and our pain isn't worse than others but it is the first for us and the devastation is something that I don't think I can get through. My mind continues to show me the replay of the moment it happened. I relive it constantly. I don't want to see it anymore and can't make it stop. Time does not heal all wounds it just puts distance from where you are to when the wound was made. Her daddy wasn't here when she left so he has that added pain to live with. He always gave her 2 biscuits before leaving each morning and that day she wanted an extra one which she got. It wasn't out of the ordinary for him to happily give her another but I am glad she wanted that extra one that day. It was their last gift to each other. So now we wait for her to come home. She was our Raine. Our Rainbow. Our puppy. Pupa Raine. If you see a Rainbow, think of her.