We brought our boy's ashes home on Tuesday. There is a kind of closure now, having what remains here on earth, the physical aspect of him, back with us. I know it is only a token of him, but it is so dear to me. We've picked out a wood urn - it had to be of dark wood, burled grain, as close a match to his coat which always reminded me of polished burled mahogany. I didn't think we would find one, but we did. My friend had taken pictures of him late last year, and there is one of him with a big grin on his face, and that's the one that will go on his urn, with an engraving that will say:
Our Beloved
Grunt, Warriors' Pride
3/12/03 - 2/29/08
And it will sit on a console table in our living room with his favorite bright yellow Squeaker ball and his collar. He will be right in the thick of things, where he always had to be.
The peace I feel is his peace, and in my heart that is all that really matters. My body and mind struggle with his absence from my life. Thinking of him and how he so bravely prevailed and how joyful and funny he was, it would be an insult to who he was, to allow myself to be swallowed up by my sorrow. We were so good together, and I don't want that to end, I can't let that happen. The hurt comes crashing down on me in waves, and the tears come from deep down inside. Before I finally fell asleep last night, I remembered our last walk, his silky ears bouncing, his little butt swinging, and how he managed to even prance a bit, and I had to smile.
He will be gone a week tomorrow. I don't know how long it will be before I can even get up in the morning without thinking that I have to take him out to potty, fix his breakfast, give him his meds.....and all throughout the day..our schedule. Our walks, our playtimes, him following me everywhere, his just being here. DH and I are filling up our days with stuff to do, and it is helping to focus on something else, but my baby boy is always on my mind.
You have all been a consolation beyond what I could ever say to each and every one of you. My gratitude cannot be fully expressed, but I send it and hope that you feel it. I know that much of what I have written here may have opened up the wounds from your own losses, and for that I am so sorry if it has hurt you. All that you have shared here has helped me, I am not alone, your hearts know what my heart knows. No one knows like you know. For those of you who have posted, who have not lost their Beloved, I know you feel deeply too, just as I have, before I lost my Grunt. I could only imagine, and it truly was unimaginable. My heart broke a little everytime I posted to the Rainbow Bridge.
My baby boy brought me here to BoxerWorld where I have lived many, many hours, where I have learned so many valuable things that helped him during his life, where I have made many friends, both skin and fur, where I have laughed and cried with you, where I have sent many vibes, where I have lived an important part of my life. My love for the Boxer goes deep, includes all of your babies here and at the Bridge, includes every Boxer. I will continue to come here everyday, in honor of my Beloved Grunt, to keep a part of him with me, and to be with my friends. Thank you from my heart.
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