Having/affording kids (venting a bit)

[gidget1]

I'm not going to preach, just give my experience and maybe a suggestion or two.

I was 22 when I gave birth to my firstborn (full term stillborn):(
I waited 7 years to try it again and at age 30 gave birth to Mycah. Jim and I worked opposite shifts so one of us was always with her. Neither one of us had family around at the time to help. We had two miscarriages between Mycah and Griffin, Griffin coming along exactly 3 years later (her bday July 3, his July 30) Let me tell you it was MUUUUCH easier at 30 than at 33 even!
We decided we also could not afford daycare so I did not go back to work after Griffin and stayed home for 3 years with only Jim working. We scraped and scrimped to get by until Mycah started school. I applied at the daycare where Mycah had gone to preschool and started working there when Griffin was 3. It was great being able to be with my kid and work at the same time. Big money, NO... peace of mind, YOU BET. Also a break on daycare on the times when Mycah had to come (breaks etc.)
I'm still there and I love it! Both kids are in school and my schedule allows me the flexability to work around their schedules!

My point being... explore ALL your options, there are ways.
Call local daycares,compare rates. Most daycares give breaks for multiple child families. Ask about flexible schedules. Explore the options of different shifts. Private daycares. There are also organizations to help with daycare expenses.
Yep, it can be rough at times, but it can be done and still spend quality time with your child

Whew... I didn't mean to get so long winded.
Good luck!

 

[diego's heart]

Oh Deb - you poor thing! I can only imagine the pressure you're feeling :(. I agree with all that's been said - even the dreadful comment about never having kids if you wait until you can afford them. Unless you're independently wealthy, win the lottery or a movie star/entertainer, it really is true.

Here's my 2 cents... I'm 35, unmarried (divorced) and no children. All my life all I wanted to do was be a mother. I prepared myself by taking early childhood education courses and worked as a nanny for 2 families. One thing I learned early on is that no one teaches us how to be a parent, except our family (although maybe there are classes now). It was the best education and I tell you I leaned heavily on my knowledge & experience when I got Diego unexpectedly - who was a gift from God, for sure lovicon!

I had opportunity and family support to have at least one child during my 5 year marriage, but the timing wasn't there. Specifically, either my husband or I was not ready to have children, for one reason or another. Working as a nanny opened my eyes so wide to:

* It doesn't matter how much $$$ you make
* Quality does not equal quantity - kids need both, and will remember the time you spent with them vs. the money you spent on them
* It's best for the child to have a stay at home parent, especially the first 2 years min, even part time AND the longer, the better
* The best pacifier to having kids and realized I wasn't ready

Working with the youth at church continually teaches me that it's best to have both parents. And I can help parents, married or single by making myself available to their kids, as well as my niece and nephews.

Like some have already mentioned and worth repeating:
* It is YOUR life
* It does cost more if you work & pay daycare and not just $$$, the best investment you can make is raising your child - it all boils down to priorities.
* It's the toughest, most worthy & honorable job you can have
and
* Children are truly a blessing and God's gift to you (and to all those that come to know them)

After reading this, I hope you realize that I am on your side :o!
Lisa

 

[Scorpio]

Its easy to says things like that when the shoe is on the other foot. I don't blame you for not wanting to go into debt, a lot of companies where I live have daycare right at the office and its very reasonable. Is it possible to work from home for awhile?f or to work part time? Maybe look for a mom that babysits instead of daycare where theres a lot of kids and expensive, maybe a neighbour? Just suggestions, good luck!
Also, a lot of women are having babies much later now! some even in their 50's!

 

[YourFriendDeb]

I just want to say THANK YOU for all your advice...I truly appreciate it. I knew you guys would understand...this board is good for so much more than just boxer talk (which I LOVE...don't get me wrong!)

I keep telling myself I'm still young, and the majority of our debts will be paid off in 3 years...that keeps me optimistic. I could just kick myself, because its my own fault I got into so much debt....credit cards when I was young & stupid. Now I have a lot of nice things and a lot of debt!

Jen, you made a good point...people having children before they figure out how to support them....my SISTER is like that. She & her husband were living in my parent's house after my mom died...and she got pregnant then (on purpose) She didn't even have a stable place to live! They both work at the same place (hospital) on different shifts, so they don't have to worry about daycare. Let me also say that they NEVER see each other and their marriage isn't the best because of it (by my sister's own admission). They scrimp for money because they both have spending/saving problems and they don't have 2 nickels to rub together...but she feels qualified to dispense advice to ME! :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

I'm the type of person...I like to have all my "ducks in a row" before I make big decisions....and I can't think of a BIGGER decision than bringing a child into the world.

Thanks for cheering me up

 

[alaska]

You are not alone, I am also 30, with no skin kids. My mother in law asks my husband occasionally if we are even trying to have a kid yet. first of all, we don't own our own home yet, and second we also cannot afford a baby, not to mention the possibility of having twins!! (my father is a twin) I just flat out tell people when they ask when I'm going to have kids, I don't want kids!! they don't ask any more, I will have kids when we are financially ready, and when I have a home of my own. yes, my boss is even asking me when I am going to have kids. I sympathize with you on day care! I can't believe how much it costs! up here in alaska, it is outrageous! good luck in your situation, I hope they learn to mind their own business.

 

[Barb_IA]

We were brought into this world to procreate. It's very sad when we can't afford to have children. When money takes presedence over having children.
I had both my children early in age. I was nineteen when my first was born. She is now 19. My son is 16.
I decided to stay at home with my children. Before my daughter was born I started up a day care in my home. I'm still at home and doing the same thing today. Affordable child care, I might add. I'm not getting rich by doing it. What's important to me is that I was able to be here for my children. I wouldn't have done anything differently. I've loved every minute with my children. I wanted and planned both of them. I'm so proud of my daughter, she finished her first year at NSU of Louisiana. My son is going to be a senior and is a very good young man.
I loved being a young mother. I do have friends that had or are having there children in their mid to late 30's. I guess to each their own.
What I think is funny is how everyone has always asked me when I was going to get a real job. I don't think it gets any more real than this.

 

[Jake H.'s mom]

Deb, I'm sure your sister means well, as frustrating as it is. It's nice to have children that are the same age as your siblings children. What about working for a company that offers child-care benefits? There are more and more companies offering this benefit now. There are tax breaks to keep in mind also. How about quitting and starting your own day care from home? You could take in other children and be home to enjoy your own. You could do it until your children are of school age then return to a job outside the home if thats what you prefer. Or how about you and your husband working different hours? Thats sort of a strain on the marriage, but if you are patient with each other it might work out. I have also heard of women getting together who work different shifts and watching each others children for free. Good luck. Your sister is right about the biological clock. I know you are sick of hearing it, but 35 and older is considered high risk. I hope you are able to work things out. One more thought, if you belong to a church, sometimes you can find help there. Again best wishes!

 

[Boo]

Very long...but you all are used to that by now, huh?

Deb, I'd simply tell your sister that you find her comments hurtful. Hopefully her love for you is greater than her ability to take a HINT!

My oldest sister is 35 and it seems unlikely that she will have children. We know she ADORES children, and spoils her neices and nephews rotten. She just refused to have a child when her defacto was so unwilling. She wanted her child to be wanted by both his/her parents. There was also the financial consideration. As a family we wanted to help her in any way we could (even financially) but stopped offering when we saw that this only caused her pain.

I just saw on a talk back show (so it MUST be true) that Australia has close to a ZERO population growth. With relatively fewer children being born, our population is aging, and this will create a situation where the younger generation will not have the NUMBERS to support the pensioners.

My point is that I believe the lack of affordable childcare to replace the extended family exists in a lot of "first" world countries. Many women are "choosing" to have children later in life, or not have them at all (even though they desperately want to be mothers) because they can't see a way to afford them.

This is leaves us with the situation where the only people who are having children are:
1) The wealthy
2) The incredibly lucky people who have extended family to help. (I fall into that category)
3) The welfare mothers.

Ok, I exaggerated a bit.....OK, a lot. I just know that I thank God every day for my two skin kids. While I would love to have many more children (I love being pregnant and having children of all ages around me) we can't afford any more. So my excess cluckiness is transferred to the furkids.

Deb, you are luckier than your sister in that you have Legend and Mazzy and you KNOW that being their mum is important too.

Your decisions are best for you. Obviously waiting for children is the price you have to pay for having a sense of responsibility and a healthy conscience.

Adele

 

[Loke]

$180 for ONE CHILD?!?!?! Where in the world do they get off charging that much? I checked around here a few months ago when it came to our attention that I needed to work before we sunk. It was $160 for my TWO kids. Now I know infants are more but I checked (just for kicks) when my youngest, who is 20 months old, was a baby and it was about $90. WOW!! I can see how you can't afford it!! We can't afford that either and we don't have a mortgage and only one car payjment! WE do have rent though so I guess that's close to having a mortgage. We also were young and stupid once with the credit cards. I do work now, but it's part time and at night when hubby is home. It's hard to think that I have to work that 20 hours a week when for 4 years I was a stay at home mom. I sure miss Hawaii for that reason. :cool:


As for the biological clock....I was 22 and 24 when I had my babies. It's nice to be young to keep up with them but, many people have kids in their 40's. My aunt was 37 when she had her first one. Family can be so cruel.

Like mentioned before, you will have kids when it is right. It may happen "accidently" but you will make it.

 

[Austin's Mom]

Deb I don't have any advice for you, but I was 31 when Robbie was born and 33 (1 month shy of 34) when Katie was born. Our clocks tick much longer these days!
Seriously tho, I believe everything happens for a reason, so when the time is right it will happen.
I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my kids, mortgage and car payment too, but for the first 6 years of our marriage we lived with my Mom. Only bought our house 3 years ago. It is small but we make due.
Don't give up-3 years is not that long.