Having/affording kids (venting a bit)

[YourFriendDeb]

Ok, I'm going to try and explain something that has been bothering me for a long time.

I just turned 30. I am the youngest of 3 kids. My mom died back in 1997 and my dad remarried shortly thereafter. My sister (who is 35) has 2 kids, ages 4 and 2.

I love kids. I want kids. I can't wait to have kids. However, I simply cannot AFFORD them right now. Well, let me rephrase that. I cannot afford daycare. I did some checking around at local daycare centers around here and to care for an infant, it averages $180 a WEEK! There is absolutely no way I can afford that. I also cannot afford NOT to work. I do not have family that is available to watch a baby either. Every singe one of my friends & family members work. We have a mortgage, a car payment, and TWO loan payments that alone total over $750 per month. I c-a-n-n-o-t afford a child right now.

Again, I am 30...I'm not getting any younger. Now comes the problem...my sister. My sister means well, but I don't think she understands my dilemma. Every time I talk to her, she says "when are you going to have a baby?" I tell her over and over and over and over that I can't afford it right now. She then tells ME over and over and over that my "biological clock is ticking!". I'm so sick of hearing it I could SCREAM!

If that's not bad enough, co-workers ask me the same thing! Its like...if you're married and you have a home...WHY DON'T YOU HAVE KIDS YET??? I say "because I can't afford them" and you know what response I get OVER AND OVER AGAIN?..... "if you wait until you can afford them, you'll never have kids!" I swear, I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard that!

The icing on the cake is when my sister (who lives a state away) called me on my birthday....I wasn't home so she left a message on my answering machine....SINGING this...

Happy Birthday to youuuuu
Happy Birthday to youuuuuu
You're biological clock is ticking....
Happy Birthday to youuuu"


Isn't that nice? Like I don't feel frustrated with my situation as it is! I'm SICK of hearing it! It would be one thing if I didn't WANT kids, but I DO and I can't afford THE STINKING DAYCARE! It's so not fair....people on welfare have 4-5 kids and no problem. I have a good job, a nice home, been married 5 years....and I can't have one.

Sorry...thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Traci H.]

I know, or I should say I knew how you feel. I waited till I was 27 to have kids (now have 2) because my husband and I felt that it was impossible to afford them, we also had bank notes, mortgage and two car payments. People would say "if you wait till you can afford them, you will never have any" and other rather thoughtless things. Well, God took it into his own hands (my oldest is the 1% they warn you about on the birth control pill box) and we somehow managed to put him in daycare for about a 1 1/2, then I was expecting my daughter and knew we had to do some thinking about how we were going to afford daycare with 2 kids. However, my son had wonderful care for the first year, but then the lady who kept him quit and I found out what a nightmare day care could be when I tried several and my son was so unhappy. I then made the decision to stay at home with my kids, but had to have a job so I now watch a couple of other kids in my home. I may not work for you, but if you add up what it costs to work (commute, clothing allowance, dry cleaning, eating out for lunch, etc.) and consider that savings if you stay home and if you like kids then it might work out and you could be providing somebody elses kids with quality care. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just what happened to work for me. God Bless and Good Luck.

 

[kobesmom]

I really hope that I don't offend you. I may sound like the others that you are venting about but I'm really trying to help, I swear!

My husband and I had been together 4 years when I got pregnant the first time (not planned) and I was on the pill. We didn't know how we were going to afford it, but we wanted to keep the baby. We did, then when Klein was a year old we found out that I was pregnant again!! Also unplanned and on the pill. :confused: Again we had no idea how we were going to afford it, but couldn't give up the baby. Luckily we found a friend of the family who watched the kid for us (until Klein was 4 and Chance was 2) who didn't charge as much as regular daycares. I had to return to work when Klein was 6 weeks old and when Chance was only 4 weeks old. :( Then when our babysitter decided to get a "real" job and get out of the house we had to go to a regular daycare. Boy! I didn't realize how spoiled we were. I didn't know how much daycares cost. Well, we had no choice, I even tried to figure the difference of me just not working, and I, like you, just couldn't do it. But we managed. Luckily we have family close by and had to even eat dinner at my mom's house every night for about a month and my husband had 3 jobs at one point (that didn't last long :rolleyes: ). They are now 7and 5 (almost 6) and are in school. What a savings!

My point is...You will find a way!! God chose to give us children (I fully believe that, due to the years of unprotected and not careful :rolleyes: and then protected sex before I got pregnant) then He provided for us! Pray about it!! If it's meant to be He'll provide for you.

Good Luck!!

 

[kobesmom]

Wow! I was posting the same time that Traci was and then read her's after I finished mine. Crazy how similar the stories are!

 

[trudy]

Okay off the subject a wee bit, but what pill where you guys on!! Holy Moly!! That's crazy, two people on one sight, I think that's a bit more than 1%....

Well as for the whole kid's thing....I am getting married in Sept and fiance and i have talked about kids and well when you put it all on paper it is a bit of sticker shock, we found ourselves thinking how on earth do people afford kids?? Never mind 2 or 3.... But they do it every where everyday....Maybe you could look into starting your own little childcare service, it would probably be beneficial to get it started BEFORE you have your own baby so you can get into the swing of things, this is what my sister did also, when she had my first niece.....

I think that conventional daycare is way over priced and that it totally stinks that money even plays a factor in the thoughts of having a baby, but that is just how the world works these days....

I hope you and your hubby can figure out a plan and have your little bundle of joy, a house, a husband and a good heart are the perfect reasons for having a baby!! I wish you all the best....

P.S. Tell your sister to start sending her unconcieved niece/nephew some checks and she'll get to meet them alot faster

 

[jrodriguez42]

I was just calling about getting help paying for our daycare. Of course we make too much money, and I agree that there's people out there that get welfare and receive everything for free. Here my husband and I bought our first house and between the mortgage and two kids in day care, it's killing us. I am in the process of looking for part time work when my little one starts kindergarten but until then it's hard.
One thing that we did when they were babies was my husand and I worked different schedules, so we were only paying for 3 days a week instead of full time. Yes I didn't see my husband too often but it ended up working out.
Everybody on our block is going through the same situation and I am thinking of watching all their kids plus mine to escape the day care altogther. So when I am not reading BoxerWorld I am searching for options.

Things do work out, the best way is by accident. That's how my first came about and there are people that will help you along the way even though you don't know who they are now. Friends, neighbors, etc.

 

[Billysmum]

I have to agreewith Kobesmom - God will provide.

And my story is similar to both. At 27 Mark still didn't want to get married even though we'd been together for 9 years. We didn't live together either.

So I decided to have a baby. At the time Mark was living 200 miles away and I was in a one bed flat.

Well Mark got a transfer in his job, we got married and Tamsin was born. I went back to work full time when she was 6 months and she went to a mix of nursery/granny/auntie each week.

We were in that one bed flat til she was 14 mths old when my dad lent us the money to buy a house.

When she was 2.5 Marissa came along and then I left work and became a stay at home mum.

Deb - you will find a way - don't put it off because of money, you'll manage.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

 

[Jen&Scott]

Deb

I not only sympathize with you, I empathize, because I am in exactly the same boat! I will turn 32 this summer and my husband and I have been married 9 years. Although a lot of our friends and families have had kids, we haven't yet because we can't afford to.

I love kids! I want kids! I can't wait to have kids! (This sounds familiar, huh?) But with our mortgage, car payments, student loans and everything else, we barely break even. When we first got married I was in graduate school, and then I went back to get certified to teach high school. I have been substitute teaching for 3 years, waiting for a job to open. I just applied to 31 districts, everything within an hours drive from my house. (But that's another vent).

I am also sick and tired of people saying "If you wait until you can afford kids, you'll never have them." I think it's irresponsible to have kids first and then figure out how you'll support them later. Maybe I feel this way because I live close to public housing where many many people have many many kids that my tax dollars are going to support, while I sit by year after year and wait! (For the record, though, I do NOT have a problem with public assistance/welfare).

If we had children now and then, God forbid, something happened to my husband, I would not be able to support my family. As a substitute teacher, I barely make $12,000 a year. That includes no benefits. According to the U.S. Census (see, being a social studies teacher does pay off ), the poverty level income for a family of 2 adults and a child is $11,869.

Maybe I am too much of a long term planner (and maybe I got too much off the subject), but I am still going to wait.

Deb -- the next time your sister says something about your biological clock or having kids, ask her when you can pick up the check. When she asks what you mean, tell her you're glad she realized HOW BADLY you want kids and that you can't afford them, and you finally realized that she was hinting that she wanted to help pay for them! But, really, I love it when people are full of suggestions, but not SOLUTIONS.

Sorry to rant, but I, too, am tired of people telling me I need something that I already want, but can't have. It hurts.

Jen

 

[Jen&Scott]

One more thing to add (gee, my last post was long).

My sister-in-law is a little older than me and sat by for years and years listening to her father tell her to have kids, that he wanted grandkids, etc. He complained, he whined, he made her feel guilty for not having kids.

Then, he got the chance to feel bad after she had to be hospitalized for an infection when invitro fertilization failed. He found out that that she had been TRYING for YEARS to have a child, but couldn't. She had spent thousands of dollars and tried everything. Nothing worked. He shut up after that.

HAPPY ENDING: After she divorced her husband she was married to at that time (he was a big jerk anyway), she married my husband/her brother's best friend and GOT PREGNANT ON HER WEDDING NIGHT, I kid you not! They have a boy and a girl not (5 years later) so I always say the universe works in mysterious ways.

Jen

 

[Linda/NJ]

Debbie: I definately hear what you are saying. Forgive me, but I can't believe your sister left that birthday message. I would of been very angry with her. You are only 30, you are still young and have plenty of time. I can't believe what I hear what people pay for daycare and I realize some people have no choice but to put there child in daycare. In your financial situation, I see what you mean. I look at it like throwing that money away. I hope when I decide to have a child that we can afford it. It is very hard now, I think most parents have to work, things are so much expensive than when our parents were married and had kids. It just stinks that everyone has to put in there 2 cents about when it is time for you to have a child. After those comments I would say "will you be willing to give me the money to pay for daycare every week"? and see what they say. Think positive you will have a child down the road when you are financially ready. I agree with you all the way.

Linda/NJ
Ginger * June 4, 1997
Flashy Fawn * Natural Ears