YIKES!! Mom is coming to visit. Need help. (long)

[Full House]

Hello, all. I need some advice. When my mom comes to town she stays with us and she will be visiting for the holidays. Mom and I have a rocky relationship. She does not treat me or my husband very well. She often makes snide, rude, uncalled for remarks about us in front of us. She is ok with the oldest son, but he is her favorite and everyone knows it, including the other boys. Here is where I need advice. She always brings her dog, a minature poodle, with her. Her name is Angel and believe me the name does not fit. Now I know we all are animal lovers here so I hope no one takes this the wrong way, we, as a family, do not care for this dog very much. The dog pees and poops in my house all the time (she is 10 years old and housebroken). Mom feeds her from the table (which we do not allow with our dogs). She has snapped at my children on numerous occasions for no apparent reason, or at least one that I am not aware of. She has snapped at our other pets as well. The last time she brought Angel we were fostering a border collie. Poor Lucy could not do a thing, not even eat, without Angel snapping or growling at her. There is too much more to mention. Mom knows the rules of the house but blantly disregards them. I know my mom loves this dog because she is after all her baby (we all know that feeling too). On occasion we have asked her not to bring Angel for various reasons and hope that it will set a precedent for future visits. Not so much the case. Now that we have Scout I worry about the holiday visits. I know she will bring Angel and she knows we have Scout. Scout is only 3 months old and very much a playful puppy. I worry about either one of the dogs getting hurt and Mom blaming us. My mom also told me this week that she thinks it is cruel that Scout is crate trained and is in her kennel when we are at work and at bedtime, and that we are not taking the time to train her properly. She has never even seen Scout. Sorry this is so long. I consider it my time to vent with a plea for advice. I hope no one thinks I am horrible for the things I have said.

 

[craZ4HERKIE]

Shannon...forgive me for saying so....but Mom sounds a "little" overbearing!This is JMHO.....but it is YOUR house...so you could stand up to her and tell her when she makes snide remarks to you & hubby..."Mom, I understand how you feel...but I would appreciate it if you kept your comments about us to yourself".As far as Angel goes...you could also insist on her not coming...or when she does...your Mom needs to properly control her...maybe she should visit Scout's crate for awhile!But I think you should just stand up for you & your family and tell her how you feel....or the other option is to just "grin & bear it".You're going to have to decide what's best for you!I hope I don't sound mean or harsh....I wish you nothing but the best of luck!

 

[Kylie_L]

I would simply remind her that she & her dog are under your roof. I would also remind her that you dont appreciate her dog snapping at your children and messing all over you house and i also would not tolerate her talking bad about yall & if she didnt like it she could hit up the ol' motel 6. Thats just my opinion i dont take much from people even if they are family

 

[courtney323]

Shannon - What a nightmare!

I agree, that she is under YOUR roof. We all love our animals, but I would never assume that it is okay to bring my dog to another persons house, when staying with them for the Holidays. Sheesh.

Maybe tell her that she is welcome to bring her dog, if she brings a travel crate along with her. Tell her you have a new puppy and you are concerned about how they will interact.

It's not really fair that her dog gets to run free all over your house, while your dogs are crate trained (which by the way is FAR from cruel!!)

At any rate, good luck in your tough situation. I say lay the law down!

 

[Scorpio]

I have to agree with Jessica on this one. There is no reason that you shud put up with someone not treating you well at any time. You should though make your points clear BEFORE she comes thats only fair, then she visits on your terms or stays home. Everyone shud be happy for the holidays and not on pins and needles.

 

[Scrapper's Mom]

It takes two to be in this situation - your mom and you, to let her get away with it. I know it's your mom and there are a lot of psychological issues involved in that relationship to start with, but if you don't want it to continue, the only way it will stop is if you put your foot down and make your preferences known.

She gets away with it because you let her. There comes a point when you realize that you are an adult, with all the full privileges and responsibilities that entails, and have the right to be taken seriously by your parent. For women, since we naturally try to soothe over conflict, this can be hard. But until you tell her and she understands, the situation will continue.

Can't you just say something like, "Mom, I love you and I love to see you here, but you just cannot stay in our house with "Angel" anymore. Whether you realize it or not, she has bitten your grandchild and does not get along with our dogs. If you want to bring her with you, here is a motel that accepts pets. Please stay there and leave her in the room when you come to our house. Otherwise, we will have to see you some other time."

 

[lafsalot]

I totally agree with the other posts - you are only enabling your mother by allowing her to treat you that way. Scrapper's Mom had a great idea about the hotel room. Good luck and do let us know what transpires ~ Cathy

 

[Faughtey]

I think it's a good idea to stand up to her. She is not taking responsibility for her dogs actions, and should at the very least be able to control the little beast. Also, if if makes a mess, your mother should clean it up.

 

[Full House]

Update #1

Thanks everyone for the advice. I know you are right, but like Scrappers Mom said it is hard because of trying to soothe over conflict. I'm typically not a pushover, I stand up for myself. My husband has told me you don't take crap off other people why don't you stand up to your mom. I don't have a good answer for that. I know I need to just be blunt and confront her because nothing else is working. It is just hard know how my mom is and how she will not speak to you for months when you have upset her.

Last week I had a business trip where she lives and went out to eat with her. I reminded her that we have Scout now and that she is very much a puppy and can play aggressively. I told her that she is every bit as big as Angel and that we were concerned about someone getting hurt. She informed me that she cannot afford to board her. She went on to say that she would have to be kept locked up in a room. I about lost it because it sounded like she wanted me to lock Scout up when it is her house. But I kept me cool and asked lock who up. She replied that she was referring to Angel. Still not fair to bring her and keep her locked up when she can hear all of us and she will still mess in that room. I'm worried about the whole thing because I don't think she will keep her in the room and she will provoke Scout which will cause my mom to yell at our furbaby. Anyhow, she will be here tomorrow so I guess we will see how it goes. I will let you know when she leaves.

 

[Kosmo's Mom]

Shannon,
Family situations like that can be tough.
I agree that you should stand up to her. She may get mad for a little while but in the long run she will respsect you for standing up for yourself.
Besides, As a mom wouldn't she feel better knowing her daughter can stand up for herself even if it is with her.
As far as training Scout it sounds like you are doing a good job to me.
If anyone could use a course in training a dog properly your mom might be the one (sorry no offense).
Good Luck, I hope everything goes well.
Happy Thanksgiving