What Is The Proper Etiquette??

[xenaprincess]

Yesterday, October25th is my moms's and late dads' wedding anniversary. My dad passed away 7yrs ago, suddenly, from a massive heart attack. I have never been able to accept his death very well and still have a difficult time talking about it. He was 58. Every year, as always, I send mom and dad carnations...their favorite flower. Moms' are delivered to the house and I take dads' to the cemetary and place them on his grave. Two years ago, mom started seeing my Uncle, dads' brother, who also lost his wife 3yrs ago to cancer. They have always been close friends allwhile I was growing up, so this relationship comes as no surprise to me. Mom is happy and that makes me happy. However, my uncle has stated to my mom that it makes him feel uneasy when we wish her a happy anniversary, and I guess I could see his point, but I wish he could see our point too. This is my way of cherishing my memories of good times. My mom and dad were still married when he died. In no way am I intending for my uncle to feel jealous or anything like that. I love my uncle too and am happy he is there for mom. I find myself getting a little annoyed though as Moms' time with us is being cut short because of her time spent with my uncle and his kids and grandkids. She feels this need to impress his kids but they already love and accept her, as we do thier dad. My kids miss their gramma and I miss my mom, and now I am offended that I am being told NOT to send the flowers on their anniversary. If mom wishes not to receive the flowers, fine...but I will always be at dads graveside on October 25th with a dozen carnations. Is that so wrong of me?

 

[Evie&Adam]

i agree with you points. Maybe you could still send flowers with a card that just says "I love you". This way you are still celebrating, mom still gets flowers, and Uncle is okay with it. A nice compromise

 

[Rlr.Giraffe]

People get sensitive over the funniest things, don't they? I think flowers would be totally appropriate, and the "I Love You" idea for the card sounds like a good one. I think it's a wonderful way to preserve your dad's memory.

However, maybe you need to talk to your mom about whether she's ready to move on from it??? Just a thought.

 

[PawPrintBoxers]

Well, you have to think about this for a moment. The sharing of flowers is for your mother's memories or your own? Proper etiquette would be to discuss it with your mother. What is she most comfortable with?

Perhaps, taking her to a quiet dinner/lunch and giving her a single carnation during the meal would be a nice private way to keep the tradition alive.

 

[FarleyBoxer]

I think, from your message, that the perceived separation of yourself and your kids from your mom is the real issue, more than the flower-giving tradition. It is very hurtful when a parent "forgets" his or her own children "in favor of" another set of family because of a new relationship. Believe me, I know. It's the reason I spoke to my father for the first time in a year only last week. He essentially abandoned my sisters and I in favor of a new family.

Talk it over with your mom if she is willing. Hopefully she will understand your hurt feelings and the two of you can work something out that will both honor your dad and respect her new life, as it were.

 

[xenaprincess]

Thanks alot guys! That's just what I did tonight. Mom had to stop by to drop of my nephew as I had to babysit him awhile while my SIL is in hospital having her galbladder removed. We had a cup of coffee and I asked her why my Uncle felt so "strange" about the anniversary thing. She told me that she is finding that he is a "tad" bit jealous over silly things but nothing to be concerned about. She says its cute. She also says that being in this relationship is the beginning of something new for her and for him, and they both loved their spouses but they are both ready to move on. She said in no way will my father ever be forgotten by her, nor my Aunt will not be forgotten by my uncle. I respect that. I really do. And I am glad I took the time to ask my friends here what they thought. FarleyBoxer...you're not too far off on that. I thought about that myself and yes...I am slightly annoyed by what seems to be a constant vie for my mothers attention..for my kids as well. However, I do know Mom loves us and I think I can hang in there a bit longer while she enjoys her new love...I guess she deserves that much! Thanks again. You guys are great therapists!! :D

 

[PawPrintBoxers]

Good. If you guys already had a good relationship, there is no way your mother will stop loving you. But you don't want her to be alone do you? And it is better she is finding love with a familiar person versus some stranger you know nothing about.

Hang in there