DMHyankees
Boxer Buddy
If you can be too close to boxer, I was. We put out beautiful boy down on Tuesday and I am having the hardest time. While it may have been a little premature, it was right. He had seen his regular vets, a cardiologist, and a neurologist and they all ended-up pointing back at one another. We had done echos, blood pressure tests, ecgs, ekgs, blood work, urinalysis...as much as we could afford right now. There were just too many signs (collapsing, incontinence, flinching, major lethargy, wincing, wobbling, vomiting...and his personality was gone). We decided it was time after we woke-up at 1:00am to see him sitting in the dark, staring off into space. We turned on the light to see his face in immense, immense pain. It was pain like nothing I had ever seen in him or any animal. He rebounded a little and we saw our boy in all his glory one last time, but we swore he would never need to know that hurt again. I felt some sense of relief when the drugs forced the last breath out of him. He died on a good day, right in my lap. I absolutely felt the warmth of his soul move from my hands holding his head right into my heart where it sits right now, only getting warmer and warmer.
As I assume his suffering as my own, my biggest struggle is not even the emotional loss, but the loss of his physical being. Our rituals and his place amongst us. Seeing him walk by in his own transits. He had at least 20 amazing smells, a soulful and deeply loving look in those watery eyes, and the softest velvet ears. He LOVED everyone he met in an instant. If you came over, you could assume you were his bed. You could expect all of his weight and maybe an elbow if you moved. I enjoyed watching people have to navigate him...especially when they weren't regular dog people! "Do you want me to get him off of you?"..."No, he's ok".
I know, to some extent, a new boxer puppy will take some of this void away one day. It would be an amazing distraction, especially, for my young children who are not coping well. But nothing will replace HIM though. I so hope there is that bridge or a place where one day I can grab that face once again and thank him over and over for the joy he brought into my life and the lessons taught. I desperately hope I am on the path to get back to him. Sweet dreams, Kishka.
As I assume his suffering as my own, my biggest struggle is not even the emotional loss, but the loss of his physical being. Our rituals and his place amongst us. Seeing him walk by in his own transits. He had at least 20 amazing smells, a soulful and deeply loving look in those watery eyes, and the softest velvet ears. He LOVED everyone he met in an instant. If you came over, you could assume you were his bed. You could expect all of his weight and maybe an elbow if you moved. I enjoyed watching people have to navigate him...especially when they weren't regular dog people! "Do you want me to get him off of you?"..."No, he's ok".
I know, to some extent, a new boxer puppy will take some of this void away one day. It would be an amazing distraction, especially, for my young children who are not coping well. But nothing will replace HIM though. I so hope there is that bridge or a place where one day I can grab that face once again and thank him over and over for the joy he brought into my life and the lessons taught. I desperately hope I am on the path to get back to him. Sweet dreams, Kishka.
I can understand a part of what you are feeling.
