This may be hard for you to read...
Hi RiggoD,
"Palpate" to me at least, just means to feel. I was always checking Abby's mandibular lymph nodes daily to feel for swelling, since that is the first place that we noticed the inflammation. When she relapsed a 2nd time, I had noticed that the swelling started first in her "popliteal" nodes.
When Abby came out of remission the first time, the oncologist told me that we would do a "rescue protocol" and then after that, there was really not much more that could be done. There was still one drug that they could give her, but the prognosis for it was really poor. When we got back from vacationing with family over Christmas, that's when I noticed the swelling in her popliteal nodes (5 weeks after we started the second protocol). I was pretty upset and had hoped that I was being paranoid, but within a few days, the swelling started at other sites, so I began to prepare myself. I had read that in untreated lymphomas, dogs usually only last 4-6 weeks. We decided against the last drug because quite frankly, I got to the point where enough was enough. Abby hated the hospital, the needles, IVs, pills, and I didn't want to put her through anymore. It's all about acceptance. I began to realize that the cancer was winning. I wanted her to enjoy her final weeks.
Unfortunately, the cancer was incredibly aggressive. I say unfortunately, but in hidsight, I think it was a blessing. To see her health decline so rapidly... well, I could not watch her suffer like that for weeks... My boss at work is an Army veterinarian and I asked him, "How will I know when it's time?" because I struggled with this for a long time... But I remember when Abby was diagnosed, I sat with her on the floor, cradled her head, cried, looked at her and promised her that I would not let her suffer.... So anyway, my boss told me to listen to Abby and she would let me know when it was time... She did. Each day was worse than the one before. First it started out in the evenings when she was trying to sleep, she would pant, tremble and I started noticing that she was having trouble breathing. Over the next couple of days, she was unable to jump into the car without help (this broke my heart). Then she stopped eating and only wanted to sleep in her doghouse outside... She wouldn't come inside anymore. We took her to our regular vet to discuss euthanasia... It's like I needed to hear from them that it was ok at this point. Yes, she still had a spark, that little nubbie tail of hers would wag, but she was fading fast... We left the office with a Wed. appt. to put her down. That was absolutely surreal... scheduling your dog's death... On the way home from the vet, however, she threw up in the car. She continued to throw up when we got home. That night for the first time, she refused her peanut butter "prednisone" for the first time (I broke down then too). She couldn't even hold down water... She told us it was time... So we called in the morning and scheduled her euthanasia for that afternoon....
Sorry to have completely bummed you out. I know right now how you are feeling. You're starting to "prepare" I can tell by your question to me... I think this is all a process. In a way, you have been grieving since Riggo was diagnosed. I think it helps to talk to people who have been through it. That's why I joined BW. I desperately sought out a post to tell me what to expect with the lymphoma and how to deal with the difficult decisions that were ahead of me. I hope that I can provided this for you, as I think it really helps to know there is someone out there who has been through it all.
But like my husband said, "Don't bury him before he's dead." Focus on these good days that you are having right now. You're still making great memories. Good luck at your next appt. I'm here (barring any comupter breakage) if you need me.