Need advice about son/girlfriend

[dizzydogmom]

I agree with Dozersmommy-I turned eighteen the year before I graduated highschool, and my dad sat me down and told be that now that I was an "adult," I could do what I wanted-but while I was living under his roof, I would still obey his rules. I'm only 22 now, so this wasn't that long ago, and I don't think it's an outdated mode of thinking at all-it's respect, plain and simple.

 

[Luvnmyboxer]

As a 24yr old who has been able to be in this situation in years past I find it very disrespectful and trashy for both the boy and the girl, therefore I never found myself in that position. I still live in my "parents" house, therefore I act the way I would want my child to act under their roof, b/c I know they could kick me out any time they wish. I would set the ground rules now for the son and be ready for the fight that follows. But it's your house and he will soon learn that girls come and go thru the years.

On this note, I am meeting bf's parents this month at an out of town wedding. Thus the talk of hotel rooms and who was staying where. Although he and I are staying at a different hotel (due to being young and wanting to party) I mentioned separate hotel rooms for us because I want to be proper, and I dont feel that the other way is a very appropriate situation since like you and your sons gf, his parents dont know me that well. Nor do I wish to be put into that situation either. I dont want them to forever hate me for bad judgement!

 

[TossBranAbi]

I think you have a right to be ticked, obviously. I am only 21 (will be 22 on Nov. 24) and have never even had the urge to disrespect a guy's parents like that. Granted I have been with my current boyfriend for mostly all of my dating "career" and when I would stay over at his house, it wasn't us sleeping in the same room, or even the same floor for that matter. He comes from a Catholic family and his dad would literally lock Stephen in the basement (where he slept whether I was there or not) and I would sleep in Stephen's bed. Sounds cruel but that is how it was and we were fine with that. Almost 5 years later, we live together and his parents know about it and don't really seem to mind, at least they don't let us know if they do. The true test will come this weekend when we have to go to a wedding and we are staying in a hotel, Stephen's dad is paying for the hotel rooms for everyone so we shall see where I am placed.

Like everyone else said, lat down the law and if he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is. Good luck.
P.S. - - if I were that girl I would have been bawling and I would have never shown face again

 

[tianthai]

I think it is a very difficult situation. There are rules in every house. It is your house and your children have to follow the rules. Rules should be clear to everyone in the house before the situation arrives. Have you told your son not to bring a girl to stay overnight? Sometimes the children think it is their house too and is entitled to do their own things. I told my son that he could bring friends but I had to be informed before their arrival, no overnight stay, no late night. The rules apply also for me if I invite friends, I always inform him. He is free to do many things under my supervision and knowledge. Sometimes they do not know that it is disrespectful to bring someone to stay overnight without telling the parents, they consider it is also their home. Would you make any issue out of it if it were a male friend? I just don't want to deal with anything so I just would not let anybody stay overnight, period. But there is always an exception but I have to be the one who makes decision case by case.
I know it is not easy but I am sure you will make it. I am a mother who does not want to kick my son out of my house so early so I always try my best to compromise as far as I can. If I pull the leash too tight the dog will pull all the time but if I pull and release, pull and release, the dog will learn to concentrate more on me. As weird as it sounds I apply the leash/pulling with my son and it seems to work quite well.
If I can be honest with you, I would love to call the girl's parents to find out if they know that their daughter just spent a night with my son without my permission and I am mad as hell!
Good luck and keep cool!
Oscar's mom

 

[AFBunni25]

ok it isnt the end of the world. while it was disrespectful, how can you call this girl trashy without knowing her? how do you know she wasnt told it was ok? she may have thought his parents were more open than they are. I have been in this boat on the end of the boy telling me that it was ok, when the parents thought otherwise and if I hadnt been so strict on myself might have stayed. Dont judge the poor girl and hang her without a fair trial. Granted this may not be the BEST first impression and they are young, but I met my husband at 20 and you dont want to start off with bad feelings around. TRUST ME.

 

[Louise501]

My son's nearly 19, he has been with his girlfriend over 2 years, I let her sleep over with my son after they had been together for 6 months, she stays over (in his room) at least twice a week. My son knows that this rule applies to this first relationship only and he won't be having every girlfriend he has in the future sleeping over.

After saying that, to wake up with a strange girl in your sons bed is very disrepectful to you, unless you had previously ok'd it. I would just lay down a few rules, speak to your son quietly on his own and ask that he doesn't bring a girlfriend home unless you've said it's fine

 

[xenaprincess]

Oh boy can I relate to this! My son just recently moved out in September, but before he did, this was an issue. He is 19 (20 in March). He had a gf for almost 3yrs. While he was living here, the rules were set that every second weekend, on a Saturday, she was able to stay here, and vice-versa at her parents home. She became part of my family. Almost 1yr ago, she "met" someone else (one of my sons' best friends'!!) and that ended their relationship. Since, he has met someone else. She seems very nice although very shy. She is 18 and still "pure". One morning I woke up to find them both sleeping in his room and I was VERY upset. I had to sit them both down and go over the house rules. My son was embarrassed, but it's all part of growing up and learning. He thought that because they were not "doing" anything, he wasn't disrespecting me. PLUS, because of the arrangements with his previous gf, he felt it was OK to have his new gf sleep over. My fault I guess for not elaborating, but it was corrected immediately! I also had a chat with the new gf and told her of my own experience with my ex-hubby. I was 18, a virgin and was told by him that it would be OK to stay the night at his parents home. They were sleeping. When I got up the next day, his mom was so mad at ME, and for a very long time his sisters and mother hated me and thought I was a little "you-know-what"!! Even when I married him 5yrs later!! I never got along well with his family and I'm sure sleeping over had a lot to do with that. First impressions are sometimes final.
I so understand the initial reaction you felt! Now that you've had a chance to come down from it all, think of the conversation that you need to have with your son. Explain the house rules to him AGAIN, and give him the option to either respect you and the rules, or take what's behind door #2...the world, his own place with his OWN rules! I sympathize with you. This is a very tough age and because of my experience with son #1, I'm prepared for this with son #2...I think! And yes, these kids are not BAD kids. Just a little misguided sometimes.
AFBunni25, it's not that the girl is trashy, but this is not a good call for a young girl trying to make a good impression. It's very awkward waking up in the morning and facing people (parents) you NEVER met before after just getting out of their sons' bed! She may be a very nice girl, but what parents see is "a lil' floozy with no self respect", and that's because society has taught us that "good girls" don't do that. It's not a fair way of looking at it, but girls have ALWAYS had to work so much harder at gaining and maintaining a respectful reputation.

 

[lisasentous]

As everyone has said - your house, your rules.
Try not to argue but explain that you just don´t want that happening under your roof.

When I left England to move back home to Ireland I took my bf (now my hubby) with me, my mum explained that she did not want us sleeping together under her roof as I have two younger brothers & also she would feel very uncomfortable with it. Not that it does go totally againest my upbringing - convent school education - buts thats another story. So we sat down and had a talk and she explained everything to my bf & myself and we accepted her wishes. We moved in with my aunt who lived alone. She had no problems with us sleeping together but I did feel uncomfortable. Eventually we did get a flat together and that was 20 years ago.
I know times change and the youngsters are more sexually aware these days but they should have respect for their elders and their surroundings.

 

[bradybunch]

Where are the girls parents in these cases? I could understand parents allowing them to sleep over if they were not sleeping it the same room, much less the same bed. Call me old fashion I guess.

 

[entelekia]

My husband's parents are VERY open minded. When my husband and I started dating, he was staying with his parents (we met in college) and one night we had gone out in his town (he lived about 2 hours away from where I lived) it was really late, so he insisted I stayed the night at his house, he said his parents would absolutely be ok with it, I refused several times, he said he didn't feel comfortable with me driving 2 hours in the middle of the night by myself... so you know what I did? I asked him what time does your mom wake up, he said around 5am... so I woke up at 4am and left!

I would've been mortified if I had woken up and seen his mom for the first time in a situation like that. Come to find out later his mom was totally cool about it, and when it was brought up in a conversation a couple of years later she said: "If I had found you in my house in the morning, I would have made you breakfast!"

Anyways, my point is that no self-respecting girl would put themselves in the position of meeting someone's parents in that way... even if the bf did insist that it was ok. Just my 2 cents.