blueeyes
Boxer Buddy
My heart is broken, empty and heavy. My eyes burn from the tears that don't stop. My Lexie crossed the bridge two days ago in the evening on 5/31/11. I picked her up as a 10 week old pup for my birthday 10 years ago and she made sure to give me her best last day on my birthday. I helped her to heaven the very next day. Her vessel had failed her. She had numerous ailments but her spirit was one which shined through greater than any health concern. Lexie was diagnosed with GI lymphoma on April 14th of this year. The prognosis was 4-12 weeks with treatment. Treatment helped to give me 6 more weeks with my baby girl. She was doing so well, spunky, perky, good appetite until a spontaneous pneumothorax occurred. My baby girl's lungs collapsed, the suspected culprit-the cancer. In the ER, her chest cavity was tapped and they removed 1.5L of air, so her lungs could reinflate and she could breathe with ease again. They warned me that it would probably happen again, but for 36 hours she was fine and I was hopeful that it wouldn't. But yet again, it did. It was then that I knew I had to prepare quickly to let go so that she could run free.
I know you all know exactly what I'm going through. Not everyone sees these special creatures the way that we do. This has been so emotional. My cousin (her vet) came over to put her down in the comfort of Lexie's own home. I held her in my arms and I was so strong for her. Talking to her, loving her, stroking her fur, kissing her head, whispering in her ears that she was going to feel so good and be so happy. That she'd be able to run and catch tennis balls again and swim and that she'd be so hungry and eat lots of good food. I held her in my arms until it was time to let her go, it was so incredibly hard. Her heart was pounding into my chest until it was no longer. After it was over, I kept waiting for her to sigh, or take a big breath or blink, or paw at me, but she was so still. And I was in shock that it was over. I feel like I'm still in shock....although this pain reminds me every second that this is now my reality.
Cremation took place yesterday morning, I went to visit her body one time before it happened. It felt wonderful to see her one last time. She looked so peaceful, she was covered in a blanket with just her head and paws sticking out, just like she would have loved to be at home. I cried and cried and cried and kissed those favorite spots on her head that were perfect for love. I know she wasn't there but to feel her against my skin one last time, to touch her soft ears and feel her fur. It was the closure I needed when I didn't and couldn't cry for her when I needed to be strong for her that night. I tried leaving the memorial room a dozen times but every time I'd go for the door, I'd look back at her and run to give her that last kiss for the hundredth time. I just knew as soon as I left I wouldn't see her again. I picked up her ashes a few hours later, they gave me a plaster paw print and a tuft of fur. I cried so hard. In the few moments I'm not crying, I feel numb. Not sure what to do to occupy my time or my thoughts. I feel frozen. She was everything to me and I would have done anything for her. I would have kept her forever if I could. She truly was my soul mate. She wasn't just a dog. She was everything to me.
My heart is in so much pain. Feels like these last few days have been the longest and most painful of my life. My baby girl, oh I can't believe she's really gone. We were connected like nothing else I've ever known. Such a special, incredible bond. She just knew me, so intuitive, so loving, so sweet. She was so special and perfect in every way. My heart feels so empty and the pain of missing her is paralyzing. Everywhere I look there's a memory of her. Everything I see makes me cry. She was so beautiful inside and out. This world keeps moving but mine has stopped. I move forward only because it's where time takes me. She was such a part of my heart and my soul, truly hand picked for me by God. These special little creatures burrow so deep in our hearts. Loving them so deeply makes the loss so much harder. And healing just takes too long. I miss her and want her back so badly.
I am forever grateful for all of you and this site. Your support is everlasting.
I know you all know exactly what I'm going through. Not everyone sees these special creatures the way that we do. This has been so emotional. My cousin (her vet) came over to put her down in the comfort of Lexie's own home. I held her in my arms and I was so strong for her. Talking to her, loving her, stroking her fur, kissing her head, whispering in her ears that she was going to feel so good and be so happy. That she'd be able to run and catch tennis balls again and swim and that she'd be so hungry and eat lots of good food. I held her in my arms until it was time to let her go, it was so incredibly hard. Her heart was pounding into my chest until it was no longer. After it was over, I kept waiting for her to sigh, or take a big breath or blink, or paw at me, but she was so still. And I was in shock that it was over. I feel like I'm still in shock....although this pain reminds me every second that this is now my reality.
Cremation took place yesterday morning, I went to visit her body one time before it happened. It felt wonderful to see her one last time. She looked so peaceful, she was covered in a blanket with just her head and paws sticking out, just like she would have loved to be at home. I cried and cried and cried and kissed those favorite spots on her head that were perfect for love. I know she wasn't there but to feel her against my skin one last time, to touch her soft ears and feel her fur. It was the closure I needed when I didn't and couldn't cry for her when I needed to be strong for her that night. I tried leaving the memorial room a dozen times but every time I'd go for the door, I'd look back at her and run to give her that last kiss for the hundredth time. I just knew as soon as I left I wouldn't see her again. I picked up her ashes a few hours later, they gave me a plaster paw print and a tuft of fur. I cried so hard. In the few moments I'm not crying, I feel numb. Not sure what to do to occupy my time or my thoughts. I feel frozen. She was everything to me and I would have done anything for her. I would have kept her forever if I could. She truly was my soul mate. She wasn't just a dog. She was everything to me.
My heart is in so much pain. Feels like these last few days have been the longest and most painful of my life. My baby girl, oh I can't believe she's really gone. We were connected like nothing else I've ever known. Such a special, incredible bond. She just knew me, so intuitive, so loving, so sweet. She was so special and perfect in every way. My heart feels so empty and the pain of missing her is paralyzing. Everywhere I look there's a memory of her. Everything I see makes me cry. She was so beautiful inside and out. This world keeps moving but mine has stopped. I move forward only because it's where time takes me. She was such a part of my heart and my soul, truly hand picked for me by God. These special little creatures burrow so deep in our hearts. Loving them so deeply makes the loss so much harder. And healing just takes too long. I miss her and want her back so badly.
I am forever grateful for all of you and this site. Your support is everlasting.
