TYS0NSM0MMA
Boxer Booster
Ok this is a sad story but you guys seem to be good at advice so here goes...
My best friend Kelly has had a very difficult life so far for a 22 year old. To start things off her and I only really became good friends after my family's home burned down last August, she showed her true colours and I definately saw she was a true friend, she stayed with me when I needed her to, brought me clothes and comforted me when I was all alone. A real friend. Anyways, when she was in highschool her mother who is a nurse was diagnosed with breast cancer (I knew Kelly at the time but had no idea all that was going on) after intense chemo which caused her to lose all of her hair she beat it and it has been in remission for a few years now. About 3 years ago Kelly started dating a young guy that she instantly fell in love with named Jason. They got along great, thought alike, talked alike and loved all the same things. I never met Jason although he sounded like a great guy. I had heard rumours through some friends of mine and Chris's that Kelly had a boyfriend who passed away. So one day I approached her (before we were really friends) and asked her "Kelly, I heard some stuff about you and a man, and I feel badly that you had to go through that, although if you don't want to talk about it, that its ok, I just wanted to set the record straight" Well Kelly had only been dealing with it for a few months at that point but she is a very strong girl (reminds me of me!) and she told me about him. He first got cancer when he was 16 years old, he went through chemo and it went into remission. He got it again at age 18 and again it went into remission. After that is when the met after getting to know each other they had "the discussion" and he knew it was likely that it would return and the doctors had already told him that he had little to no chance if it did return. After a few months he started getting cancer pains once again in his abdomen, he knew what it was but did not want to go to the doctor, and most of all put Kelly through that. Well eventually he had to go the pain became unbearable. Kelly (who wants to be a nurse may I add) stayed by his side through the whole thing, to the end. She initially helped him with his meds, then did all the housework and cooking and caring for him until it became so bad that he had to go to hospital into pallative care. To make matters worse his mother HATED Kelly. How anyone could hate such a nice person is beyond me, however I would assume that it is not Kelly that she hates it is more that her son was dying and Kelly was helping the only way she knew how, and that she hated the situation more than Kelly herself. Near the end Kelly slept at the hospital with Jason and he even asked her if she would marry him before he died but then decided that she was too young to be a widow. The story just breaks my heart because she would have only been 19/20 at the time and he was 21 I think. Kelly was with him at his side when he did finally die on December 23 2002.
Kelly and I became friends summer 2003, she talked to me that night for about 4 hours explaining the story and I said nothing, I just listened. She told me later that no one had ever just let her talk before. I could tell that it helped her a lot to get it all out. She lived in their apartment since he died and you could tell that she did not want to let go. It has been 2 years almost since he died and she is still hanging on so tightly I am concerned for her. I managed to get her to move out of that apartment by convincing her to move into the same building as me, so if she got lonely or sad I was just upstairs and that helped lots. I can tell she is still hanging on so much to him and it hurts me to see her like this.
She doesn't feel that she needs counseling for her loss, which I think she does. I cannot imagine losing someone close to you like that so young and not needing to talk to someone who can help rationalize things for you. She has gained weight since his death and although I have also gained weight since the fire I enrolled at her gym so we could work out together. She always makes excuses for not being able to go or not being able to "fully work out" and it is getting tiresome. Please dont get me wrong I think it is horrible what she went through but I can see that her weight is bothering her as mine is bothering me, and i am concerned that her health is on a serious decline.
I have talked to her about going to conseling and how much I am benefiting from talking to someone, and she keeps saying "well I know why I am sad" but at the same time she still has his clothes, his old meds, and things like that she can't get rid of.
She has taken small steps with help, and I can tell she wants to keep going but she really does compare EVERYTHING in life with her relationship with him, she hangs around old friends of his, as I said has his old stuff and I'm not saying get rid of everything but keeping his hair brush and old medicine seems to be self torture.
She has finally moved back home which is good because she can now focus on going to school to be a nurse, but again I am concerned that since she is still carrying so much baggage around she won't do as well as she could.
How can I help her? I am here for her as much as I can but I don't want be holding her to her past either. any advice?
Colly
My best friend Kelly has had a very difficult life so far for a 22 year old. To start things off her and I only really became good friends after my family's home burned down last August, she showed her true colours and I definately saw she was a true friend, she stayed with me when I needed her to, brought me clothes and comforted me when I was all alone. A real friend. Anyways, when she was in highschool her mother who is a nurse was diagnosed with breast cancer (I knew Kelly at the time but had no idea all that was going on) after intense chemo which caused her to lose all of her hair she beat it and it has been in remission for a few years now. About 3 years ago Kelly started dating a young guy that she instantly fell in love with named Jason. They got along great, thought alike, talked alike and loved all the same things. I never met Jason although he sounded like a great guy. I had heard rumours through some friends of mine and Chris's that Kelly had a boyfriend who passed away. So one day I approached her (before we were really friends) and asked her "Kelly, I heard some stuff about you and a man, and I feel badly that you had to go through that, although if you don't want to talk about it, that its ok, I just wanted to set the record straight" Well Kelly had only been dealing with it for a few months at that point but she is a very strong girl (reminds me of me!) and she told me about him. He first got cancer when he was 16 years old, he went through chemo and it went into remission. He got it again at age 18 and again it went into remission. After that is when the met after getting to know each other they had "the discussion" and he knew it was likely that it would return and the doctors had already told him that he had little to no chance if it did return. After a few months he started getting cancer pains once again in his abdomen, he knew what it was but did not want to go to the doctor, and most of all put Kelly through that. Well eventually he had to go the pain became unbearable. Kelly (who wants to be a nurse may I add) stayed by his side through the whole thing, to the end. She initially helped him with his meds, then did all the housework and cooking and caring for him until it became so bad that he had to go to hospital into pallative care. To make matters worse his mother HATED Kelly. How anyone could hate such a nice person is beyond me, however I would assume that it is not Kelly that she hates it is more that her son was dying and Kelly was helping the only way she knew how, and that she hated the situation more than Kelly herself. Near the end Kelly slept at the hospital with Jason and he even asked her if she would marry him before he died but then decided that she was too young to be a widow. The story just breaks my heart because she would have only been 19/20 at the time and he was 21 I think. Kelly was with him at his side when he did finally die on December 23 2002.
Kelly and I became friends summer 2003, she talked to me that night for about 4 hours explaining the story and I said nothing, I just listened. She told me later that no one had ever just let her talk before. I could tell that it helped her a lot to get it all out. She lived in their apartment since he died and you could tell that she did not want to let go. It has been 2 years almost since he died and she is still hanging on so tightly I am concerned for her. I managed to get her to move out of that apartment by convincing her to move into the same building as me, so if she got lonely or sad I was just upstairs and that helped lots. I can tell she is still hanging on so much to him and it hurts me to see her like this.
She doesn't feel that she needs counseling for her loss, which I think she does. I cannot imagine losing someone close to you like that so young and not needing to talk to someone who can help rationalize things for you. She has gained weight since his death and although I have also gained weight since the fire I enrolled at her gym so we could work out together. She always makes excuses for not being able to go or not being able to "fully work out" and it is getting tiresome. Please dont get me wrong I think it is horrible what she went through but I can see that her weight is bothering her as mine is bothering me, and i am concerned that her health is on a serious decline.
I have talked to her about going to conseling and how much I am benefiting from talking to someone, and she keeps saying "well I know why I am sad" but at the same time she still has his clothes, his old meds, and things like that she can't get rid of.
She has taken small steps with help, and I can tell she wants to keep going but she really does compare EVERYTHING in life with her relationship with him, she hangs around old friends of his, as I said has his old stuff and I'm not saying get rid of everything but keeping his hair brush and old medicine seems to be self torture.
She has finally moved back home which is good because she can now focus on going to school to be a nurse, but again I am concerned that since she is still carrying so much baggage around she won't do as well as she could.
How can I help her? I am here for her as much as I can but I don't want be holding her to her past either. any advice?
Colly
