Indy's mom
Boxer Insane
Alright I think I'm going to whine a bit. Feel free to ignore. My brother and I were raised by the most amazing step-father you could imagine. He never, ever differentiated between us and his 2 bio daughters that came along after. In short a very good man.
My bio father lived across the country. My mother was his 2nd wife. He went on to have a total of 8 wives, who knows how many girlfriends in between sometimes at the same time. A very charming man whenever he wanted to be. We say him pretty infrequently. While we were growing up he would visit sometimes once a year, sometimes less. My parents would welcome him in their home. My dad (step-dad) would even take him out to the bar!. Then we would go out of town and go to visit the rest of his family. For the record, his brothers, my uncles were amazing! That was always interesting. Lots of drama. He was his mothers favorite, on a pedestal to say the least. As a child it was so clear that she favored him and wanted him above her other sons. Lots of drinking as get togethers tend to be, family squabbles mostly with her and then he would have an excuse to leave her house and go to one of his brothers. Get the pic. Just this sort of thing.
Time went on, my brother and I went to his home state to visit occasionally but not frequently. We both got married, he refused to come to either. Did not help to pay for either wedding. My brother later got divorced and when my bio-father's home got flooded out a few years in a row went down there each time to help him out.
I had three sons, amazing boys if I do say so myself. When he would come to visit, he never changed his ways. Would sit at the kitchen table and talk about himself. Expected 3 growing boys to sit there and sort of entertain him. Wasn't interested in them, what they were doing. Never went to a ball game while he was here, never, ever held one on his lap! Wait! I take that back. Once he went to church with us to hear one of them sing in the choir, once!
Several years ago he was staying up at his brothers cabin in the northern part of the state. My brother was up there visiting. After several beers things got very honest as they can do. The comment he made to my brother was something on the order of 'it wasn't that I didn't care, just that I wasn't very interested'. Sort of summed everything up nicely for us both and relieved us of a lot of guilt.
Well, both of the uncles died of cancer. They were younger than bio-father. He spent a lot of time with the middle brother as he was ill, made his peace with him and said good-by. Still was not here when he died but I've been given to understand that was ok with my uncle and aunt. The youngest uncle died that same year. Understand that bio-father was retired at the time, travelled in his motor-home all the time and was in this state a great deal. The 2 uncles lived less than 30 miles from each other. The youngest uncle may have been one of the finest men that ever set foot on this planet. His wife had to get on the phone and beg bio-father to come and visit and her husband was dying, he could be heard crying in the background (something totally out of character for him). As he knew he would not see bio again. So bio went to see him, for 15 minutes. And then he left town. No, it was not okay with that uncle or aunt that he not be there, but he wasn't.
Soon after that he became aware of his own mortality I guess. We started getting more frequent phone calls and cards. We chalk a lot of this up to wife #8. A woman who seemed very thoughtful about birthdays, occasions of the like. Even sometimes sent small gifts from some of their travels! Although he could very well afford this, it had never been done in the past. Ever. So, brother and I tried to be as welcoming. At this point though, we are in our 40's. We have wonderful parents, good relationship with them that we appreciate more than you can imagine. We are not willing to turn our lives completely upside down for him. Maybe that makes us less that terrific people. Not sure.
This year, labor day weekend to be exact we got the phone call. He was diagnosed with liver and lung cancer. Exactly what killed his father. Naturally, he was terribly upset on the phone, knows what his future will be, just not how long. Weeks, months or a couple of years. In October, I drove to Louisiana and spent 2 weeks with him and his wife. She seemed very welcoming, truly a charming woman. Helped with little things, like groceries, driving him to radiation, walking the dog. Whatever could be done. During this time, my brother took a few days from work, which was all he could get and flew down as well. My bio seemed to be doing pretty well, still no kind of time line or prognosis from doctor as far as months or even possibly a couple of years. With my niece's wedding a few days off, I drove back to Wisconsin.
My brother and I kept in touch of course. Emailing very frequently and each calling once or twice a week. Bio was slowly going down-hill but nothing extra-ordinary. My brother and I were making plans to drive down 1/5, he would stay a few days and fly back, I would stay as long as they would have me and then drive back. At least that was the plan.
We both spoke with the wife on Christmas. Very pleasant phone conversation. Bio wasn't feeling well. Pain medication was working extremely well, but it made him sleepy, drowsy enough that he hadn't gotten out of bed to see guests. Cancer was progressing. Pretty much was was to be expected. She knew and understood that we would be down soon.
12/27, we got a call from bio's only sister who had just flown into town. Need to get down there NOW! The 5th will certainly be too late. My brother and I discussed it. He called them back, told the wife again and again how much we appreciated the incredible care she has taken of him, we think she is an amazing woman, but there was just no way we could come down there immediately. Financially and logistically it just wasn't possible. According to my brother (I was not on the phone, but he's not known to exaggerate), she was very hurt, kept telling hm that if it was her father she would do anything to get there. Couldn't understand why we weren't! After all, bio had tried so hard to reach us for years and we just wouldn't do anything for him. This kept up until brother finally gently told her that if it were our dad we would move heaven and earth for him too, but it isn't, our dad is here with is. This was our bio. The phone call ended.
On 12/31 neither of us had heard anything, so I sent an email. Explained that after the last painfull phone call I didn't think my call would be welcome, and I didn't think this was the appropriate time to make things more difficult for any of them. But we wanted them to know that they were both in the thoughts and prayers of all of us. That we were going to continue to email a few times a week, and that we were still planning to come to Louisiana on the 5th. Well, I got an email back that night. Telling me that he had died on the 29th. She hadn't told us because she didn't think we would care. And it was up to us to ask anyway.
My brother and I have seen cards of course and flowers. There has been no further communication from Louisiana at all.
I have to admit, each day I'm finding myself a little more shocked. No, it's not as if I've lost my dad, thank God. But we have lost someone we cared about. Absolutely no acknowledgement at all. It's very strange and almost as if we are not supposed to feel that way.
I'm not about to respond to her last email to me. The woman is 70 years old. Has been widowed twice. It's clear that she has a very strong dislike of us to say the least. That can only be based on what he must have said to her. To respond can only hurt her, and that would be so unkind and unfair.
I know this is ridiculously long, but truthfully, I sort of needed to say it somewhere. This situation is so bizarre that friends don't know what to say, the very few who know of it, and so say nothing. I feel like I was allowed to feel much worse for picking out the wrong house color than for feeling confused, hurt, angry and sad about this situation.
Weird and strange. In many ways, it now feels as if that entire branch of the family almost never existed. And as if they are never to be talked about. I know he had so many pictures, things from his parents that my brother and I would at least liked to have seen, had the opportunity to pass to my kids. I truly hope that his wife passes them to his sister so they are not lost forever, but I don't expect to ever hear from the aunt again either. Why are families so screwed up?
My bio father lived across the country. My mother was his 2nd wife. He went on to have a total of 8 wives, who knows how many girlfriends in between sometimes at the same time. A very charming man whenever he wanted to be. We say him pretty infrequently. While we were growing up he would visit sometimes once a year, sometimes less. My parents would welcome him in their home. My dad (step-dad) would even take him out to the bar!. Then we would go out of town and go to visit the rest of his family. For the record, his brothers, my uncles were amazing! That was always interesting. Lots of drama. He was his mothers favorite, on a pedestal to say the least. As a child it was so clear that she favored him and wanted him above her other sons. Lots of drinking as get togethers tend to be, family squabbles mostly with her and then he would have an excuse to leave her house and go to one of his brothers. Get the pic. Just this sort of thing.
Time went on, my brother and I went to his home state to visit occasionally but not frequently. We both got married, he refused to come to either. Did not help to pay for either wedding. My brother later got divorced and when my bio-father's home got flooded out a few years in a row went down there each time to help him out.
I had three sons, amazing boys if I do say so myself. When he would come to visit, he never changed his ways. Would sit at the kitchen table and talk about himself. Expected 3 growing boys to sit there and sort of entertain him. Wasn't interested in them, what they were doing. Never went to a ball game while he was here, never, ever held one on his lap! Wait! I take that back. Once he went to church with us to hear one of them sing in the choir, once!
Several years ago he was staying up at his brothers cabin in the northern part of the state. My brother was up there visiting. After several beers things got very honest as they can do. The comment he made to my brother was something on the order of 'it wasn't that I didn't care, just that I wasn't very interested'. Sort of summed everything up nicely for us both and relieved us of a lot of guilt.
Well, both of the uncles died of cancer. They were younger than bio-father. He spent a lot of time with the middle brother as he was ill, made his peace with him and said good-by. Still was not here when he died but I've been given to understand that was ok with my uncle and aunt. The youngest uncle died that same year. Understand that bio-father was retired at the time, travelled in his motor-home all the time and was in this state a great deal. The 2 uncles lived less than 30 miles from each other. The youngest uncle may have been one of the finest men that ever set foot on this planet. His wife had to get on the phone and beg bio-father to come and visit and her husband was dying, he could be heard crying in the background (something totally out of character for him). As he knew he would not see bio again. So bio went to see him, for 15 minutes. And then he left town. No, it was not okay with that uncle or aunt that he not be there, but he wasn't.
Soon after that he became aware of his own mortality I guess. We started getting more frequent phone calls and cards. We chalk a lot of this up to wife #8. A woman who seemed very thoughtful about birthdays, occasions of the like. Even sometimes sent small gifts from some of their travels! Although he could very well afford this, it had never been done in the past. Ever. So, brother and I tried to be as welcoming. At this point though, we are in our 40's. We have wonderful parents, good relationship with them that we appreciate more than you can imagine. We are not willing to turn our lives completely upside down for him. Maybe that makes us less that terrific people. Not sure.
This year, labor day weekend to be exact we got the phone call. He was diagnosed with liver and lung cancer. Exactly what killed his father. Naturally, he was terribly upset on the phone, knows what his future will be, just not how long. Weeks, months or a couple of years. In October, I drove to Louisiana and spent 2 weeks with him and his wife. She seemed very welcoming, truly a charming woman. Helped with little things, like groceries, driving him to radiation, walking the dog. Whatever could be done. During this time, my brother took a few days from work, which was all he could get and flew down as well. My bio seemed to be doing pretty well, still no kind of time line or prognosis from doctor as far as months or even possibly a couple of years. With my niece's wedding a few days off, I drove back to Wisconsin.
My brother and I kept in touch of course. Emailing very frequently and each calling once or twice a week. Bio was slowly going down-hill but nothing extra-ordinary. My brother and I were making plans to drive down 1/5, he would stay a few days and fly back, I would stay as long as they would have me and then drive back. At least that was the plan.
We both spoke with the wife on Christmas. Very pleasant phone conversation. Bio wasn't feeling well. Pain medication was working extremely well, but it made him sleepy, drowsy enough that he hadn't gotten out of bed to see guests. Cancer was progressing. Pretty much was was to be expected. She knew and understood that we would be down soon.
12/27, we got a call from bio's only sister who had just flown into town. Need to get down there NOW! The 5th will certainly be too late. My brother and I discussed it. He called them back, told the wife again and again how much we appreciated the incredible care she has taken of him, we think she is an amazing woman, but there was just no way we could come down there immediately. Financially and logistically it just wasn't possible. According to my brother (I was not on the phone, but he's not known to exaggerate), she was very hurt, kept telling hm that if it was her father she would do anything to get there. Couldn't understand why we weren't! After all, bio had tried so hard to reach us for years and we just wouldn't do anything for him. This kept up until brother finally gently told her that if it were our dad we would move heaven and earth for him too, but it isn't, our dad is here with is. This was our bio. The phone call ended.
On 12/31 neither of us had heard anything, so I sent an email. Explained that after the last painfull phone call I didn't think my call would be welcome, and I didn't think this was the appropriate time to make things more difficult for any of them. But we wanted them to know that they were both in the thoughts and prayers of all of us. That we were going to continue to email a few times a week, and that we were still planning to come to Louisiana on the 5th. Well, I got an email back that night. Telling me that he had died on the 29th. She hadn't told us because she didn't think we would care. And it was up to us to ask anyway.
My brother and I have seen cards of course and flowers. There has been no further communication from Louisiana at all.
I have to admit, each day I'm finding myself a little more shocked. No, it's not as if I've lost my dad, thank God. But we have lost someone we cared about. Absolutely no acknowledgement at all. It's very strange and almost as if we are not supposed to feel that way.
I'm not about to respond to her last email to me. The woman is 70 years old. Has been widowed twice. It's clear that she has a very strong dislike of us to say the least. That can only be based on what he must have said to her. To respond can only hurt her, and that would be so unkind and unfair.
I know this is ridiculously long, but truthfully, I sort of needed to say it somewhere. This situation is so bizarre that friends don't know what to say, the very few who know of it, and so say nothing. I feel like I was allowed to feel much worse for picking out the wrong house color than for feeling confused, hurt, angry and sad about this situation.
Weird and strange. In many ways, it now feels as if that entire branch of the family almost never existed. And as if they are never to be talked about. I know he had so many pictures, things from his parents that my brother and I would at least liked to have seen, had the opportunity to pass to my kids. I truly hope that his wife passes them to his sister so they are not lost forever, but I don't expect to ever hear from the aunt again either. Why are families so screwed up?
