Bio father's death

[xenaprincess]

I am very sorry for your loss. I must commend you AND your brother for all the efforts you guys made to at least have some sort of relationship with your bio father, especially after hearing him admit that he just wasn't "interested". That had to have hurt, but at least he was honest and it relieved a lot of guilt off of yours and your brothers shoulders. And of course it's only normal to grieve a loss of ANY kind. It's a sad time.
My father (God love his soul) married my mom when she had my 2 brothers and pregnant for my sister (all from another man). When he met her, she had 2 eggs and a carton of milk in the fridge. He bought her groceries and had looked after her for the remaining of his years (passed away suddenly at the age of 58). He adopted all 3 of moms kids and went on to have 3 more of us, and then adopting my sisters baby when she was 15! Not once..EVER did he treat any of us differently from the others. Yes, it takes so much more than the ability to ejaculate sperm to be called "DAD". Unfortunately, this is something that my daughter (6) is in the process of learning. She misses her dad so much (been 2 1/2yrs since seeing him) that she now attaches herself to men (friends AND family) and wishes...even asks if they could be her dad. It truly breaks my heart.
Bless your sep-dad for giving you and your brother (and your mom too) the life that you all deserved. It's so obvious that he has done a wonderful job! Geesh...hug him for me too please!

 

[bradybunch]

Sandy I am very sorry for your loss and all that you are dealing with. For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing. I think that time will help ease your pain, because everyone grieves differently, I think it is good that you are open and able to talk about it, I know so many people that bottle stuff up and try to act like nothing is wrong. They are a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off.

Dh is not my sons bio, but he has been in our lives since he was around 16 months old and has raised and cared him. We are mixed up in the courts with his bio not paying child support and hasn't had any contact with him in over a year. We are hoping he will agree to sign his rights over so dh can legally adopt our son, but it isn't looking too good right now. It is so good to hear what kind of relationship you and your stepfather have, he must be a GREAT man.

I too have a screwed up family. I just try to learn from their faults and make myself a better person. I think family's are so screwed up because in most cases from an early age you are "forced" into thinking you have to like these people because they are your "family". I have been told that "blood is thicker than water" many times but I just don't believe it!

 

[kljarvis]

I would like to say sorry for your loss, bio or not, he is part of the reason as you being here. I grew up with a Step-Dad from the time I was 10. When I was 24 I got to actually go and live with my "long lost Father". I only had him for 6 years and he passed 3 days before my 30th birthday. My point is I didn't have the fortunate good Step-parent, and I longed for my Dad. Six years doesn't seem long enough to make up for 24 years, but I was very glad to get the chance. You and your brother did the right thing, and like everyone else said, go give your DAD a big hug.

 

[Indy's mom]

You guys really are the best!

My mom and dad live quite close, only about 1 mile from me, so I see them quite frequently. Believe me, we have and will continue to let them know how much we appreciate both of them.

Writing these messages and reading all of yours have helped me enormously. This was truly getting to me. I'm still having a very difficult time trying to decide if I should write a letter to bio's wife. Not to criticize him, or her for that matter. But to make it clear that while he did not mean the same to us as a 'father' often does to a child, he was still someone we cared about. I keep going over her email telling me that he died, but that she didn't think we would care, so that's why she didn't tell us. I wonder if she really feels that way. If so, would it help her to know that we did care? Would it make it worse for her to hear from me?

I certainly am not going to fill her in on details that happened before she met him. For one she probably wouldn't believe me. Truthfully, I don't even know if she is aware that she was the 8th wife. I know writing her won't make her feel any different about us, and that's fine, it is what it is. But I keep thinking how awful I would feel, if I thought my husbands family didn't care about him at all.

Given enough time I could let this make me crazy. For now, I just keep writing the letter in my head. Haven't decided if I'll actuallly write and mail or not.

But again, thanks to all of you for understanding.

Sandy

 

[My Boxer]

Dear SnowBlower buddy: Write the letter and put it away. Then get it out and reread it and add or subtract from it, and put it away or send it or burn it. You need to say these things to get closure for you and your family. At the very least I would open the door to his wife and tell her that you are sad and that you did care and wish that things could have been different. And that they both are in your thoughts. Then it would leave the door open for her to contact you if she wanted to. Sometimes a little time must pass for tempers and hurt feelings to calm down so you can then think rationally. P.S. did she say yes? Tell me no. ::

 

[sjdl]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My husbands "sperm donor" is the same way, we contacted him 10 years ago to tell him about the birth of our first child and he did'nt contact us back until Shey was 3 and his sister was 2 months. We just did'nt interest him, we did'nt want to get high and get drunk with him and his wife. Jeremy luckily has a step-dad that loves him and has been there when he needed him. Don't be pressured into feeling guilty, It's not your fault he was'nt there for you. Until you express your feelings to the 8th it will be with you, get it off your shoulders and out of your mind. Godbless you during these hard times and I hope that you can work everything out with yourself.

 

[Indy's mom]

You guys are the best! Ironically enough I got an envelope in the mail a few days ago. The memorial service, along with a typed note telling me there will be a memorial service in my state this summer. My brother received the same thing. He has stated emphatically that he will not attend. I think he is truly worried that all of the relatives have been told awful things and he doesn't want his wife to get 'bashed' at the service.

So, because this will probably never end. I need to call my favorite aunt. She really is, I'm not being sarcastic. Her husband was the youngest brother, first to die. I have no idea if she has any idea what went on, but she's always given me good advice in the past. A very loving, direct, honest woman.

My Boxer, a.k.a. snowblower buddy (we have got to get together!) tks for your suggestion of writing a letter and putting it in a drawer. I think you are right. I've got to do just that or I may never be able to sleep more than 2 nights in a row.

Take care all. And once again, aren't we grateful for all of the truly wonderful people in our lives? I know that I am, because there are many!

 

[Indy's mom]

Update....I rec'd a notice from bio father's wife, that there will be a memorial service in the northeren part of our state this weekend. My brother flatly refuses to attend, but he's moved on well, I'm happy for him. My sons will not attend...he paid little attention to them in life, they are content with their farewell from a distance.

I will go to the service. I think DH is coming with me but not confirmed. It's truly fine if he decides not to go (there is another LONG, but very good reason that is unrelated ). I talked to my favorite Aunt in March and she really helped to to get past all of this, in fact I began sleeping thru the nights again after talking to her. She is a wonderful woman. I'm dreading this Saturday, but will go visit with my Aunt after the service, so looking forward to that.

Time to wrap it all up. It will be a long day, 4.5 hour drive each way and because of other things, it all needs to be done on Saturday. But I'm looking forward to putting it all behind me. Done!

 

[TossBranAbi]

Update....I rec'd a notice from bio father's wife, that there will be a memorial service in the northeren part of our state this weekend. My brother flatly refuses to attend, but he's moved on well, I'm happy for him. My sons will not attend...he paid little attention to them in life, they are content with their farewell from a distance.

I will go to the service. I think DH is coming with me but not confirmed. It's truly fine if he decides not to go (there is another LONG, but very good reason that is unrelated ). I talked to my favorite Aunt in March and she really helped to to get past all of this, in fact I began sleeping thru the nights again after talking to her. She is a wonderful woman. I'm dreading this Saturday, but will go visit with my Aunt after the service, so looking forward to that.

Time to wrap it all up. It will be a long day, 4.5 hour drive each way and because of other things, it all needs to be done on Saturday. But I'm looking forward to putting it all behind me. Done!

It is gof to hear that you are finally going to be able to put all of this behind you. It has certainly been a rollercoaster ride.

 

[Indy's mom]

Oh boy. Life gets more and more complicated. My eldest son will be in town this weekend. We have not seen him for over a year, the last visit was extremely brief! He is in the military (5 years already!) has recently returned from being deployed again. While he is scheduled to come 'home' for a vacation in June, he has applied for a position that may very well have him deployed again and prior to that visit...as of right now, he is likely to come back, but there is just no way of being sure.

I'm seriously considering not going to the service now as I really don't know when I will see Billy again.