For 12 years I had the most loving and loyal companion in my Boxer, Tina. I don't have to tell any of you what she meant to me or gave to me over her life. Several weeks ago Tina began to exhibit a marked slowing down of spirit and body. I think we both knew it was the end for her. I had been in very close contact with her vet, and he had examined her at the onset of this final phase of her life. Even though he assured me then that she was not in pain, I still can't get the last 2 weeks of her life out of my head, nor quiet the guilt I continue to feel for not just putting her down. I have put down several dogs over the years, but it just didn't seem right this time. I have never watched a natural death before, so I want to tell you what happened so that someone out there who has had a similar experience can help me with the pain of it.
Let me tell you the story:
Tina stopped eating. This was highly unusual for her; matter of fact, her ability and eagerness to eat was a family joke. I knew right then that she was beginning her journey. She continued to drink water, actually a lot of water. Her energy level dropped, of course, although she got around and was alert. This continued for a week. She shadowed me and wanted to be near, as always. I would pick her up and put her in the bed with me at night, which she loved. She began to breathe heavier and faster than normal, especially at night, but after awhile, all the time. Although she continued to walk around as needed, she grew weaker and finally stopped drinking water as well. It made her throw up. The last night of her life was very long. She declined rapidly over about 4 hours, breathing heavily, very audible. She grew restless and I think frightened at what she could feel happening to her. We were in the living room on her bed as we always used to lay. For awhile she laid there, then she would stand up and just want to go somewhere. She would go next to the couch, lay down, then get up and walk a couple of steps, then lay down again, then get up, and so on. I kept trying to get her to lay with me but she was too restless. She threw up 4 times. The second time she vomited there were traced of blood in it. The third time it was bloody, and the 4th was very ugly bright red blood. After awhile she grew too weak to move around much, and so I got her to lay back on her bed. By now it was about midnight. She would lay there and then try to sit up, but not really make it, so would flop back down. Her eyes were doing this sideways rhythmic movement, and I wasn't sure she was conscious really. I held her and talked to her and she was moving, but I'm not sure she knew where she was. I can't describe this very well: she was fighting it, but wasn't really here anymore. Maybe she was between the 2 worlds? I had called the vet several times over this period and described what was happening and he said she was dying and told me waht the next thing to look for would be. I am just so afraid that she was in pain and he said he would come and put her down anytime, but she never acted like she was hurting. She was frightened and fighting it~that's for sure. He said she had never experienced this feeling before and every instinct told her to fight. After awhile even I started telling her to let go. By this time her breathing was very loud and fast. This is the odd part: I looked at my watch and it was 1:30 AM. I had my hands on Tina, she was laying next to me. I was sitting up with my back to the chair and I was so worried, I remember being torn about calling the vet and having him come because I was at the point that I couldn't take any more and I didn't want this to go on. The next thing I knew, and I mean literally, I sat up and looked at my watch and an hour and a half had gone by. It was 3AM. Somehow I had fallen asleep in the middle of an anxiety attack??? Sound asleep. Like I was willed there. And as I looked at my watch it occured to me that it was very quiet in the room, and I couldn't figure out why that seemed so strange to me. At this point I can't remember that my dog is dying. There was this stillness and peace in the room, then like a shot it hits me what I am doing there on the floor, and I look down at her, my hands still on her, and she is gone. Still warm, eyes closed, and finally at peace. Has anyone had this kind of experience before and can you tell me if it was normal?
Let me tell you the story:
Tina stopped eating. This was highly unusual for her; matter of fact, her ability and eagerness to eat was a family joke. I knew right then that she was beginning her journey. She continued to drink water, actually a lot of water. Her energy level dropped, of course, although she got around and was alert. This continued for a week. She shadowed me and wanted to be near, as always. I would pick her up and put her in the bed with me at night, which she loved. She began to breathe heavier and faster than normal, especially at night, but after awhile, all the time. Although she continued to walk around as needed, she grew weaker and finally stopped drinking water as well. It made her throw up. The last night of her life was very long. She declined rapidly over about 4 hours, breathing heavily, very audible. She grew restless and I think frightened at what she could feel happening to her. We were in the living room on her bed as we always used to lay. For awhile she laid there, then she would stand up and just want to go somewhere. She would go next to the couch, lay down, then get up and walk a couple of steps, then lay down again, then get up, and so on. I kept trying to get her to lay with me but she was too restless. She threw up 4 times. The second time she vomited there were traced of blood in it. The third time it was bloody, and the 4th was very ugly bright red blood. After awhile she grew too weak to move around much, and so I got her to lay back on her bed. By now it was about midnight. She would lay there and then try to sit up, but not really make it, so would flop back down. Her eyes were doing this sideways rhythmic movement, and I wasn't sure she was conscious really. I held her and talked to her and she was moving, but I'm not sure she knew where she was. I can't describe this very well: she was fighting it, but wasn't really here anymore. Maybe she was between the 2 worlds? I had called the vet several times over this period and described what was happening and he said she was dying and told me waht the next thing to look for would be. I am just so afraid that she was in pain and he said he would come and put her down anytime, but she never acted like she was hurting. She was frightened and fighting it~that's for sure. He said she had never experienced this feeling before and every instinct told her to fight. After awhile even I started telling her to let go. By this time her breathing was very loud and fast. This is the odd part: I looked at my watch and it was 1:30 AM. I had my hands on Tina, she was laying next to me. I was sitting up with my back to the chair and I was so worried, I remember being torn about calling the vet and having him come because I was at the point that I couldn't take any more and I didn't want this to go on. The next thing I knew, and I mean literally, I sat up and looked at my watch and an hour and a half had gone by. It was 3AM. Somehow I had fallen asleep in the middle of an anxiety attack??? Sound asleep. Like I was willed there. And as I looked at my watch it occured to me that it was very quiet in the room, and I couldn't figure out why that seemed so strange to me. At this point I can't remember that my dog is dying. There was this stillness and peace in the room, then like a shot it hits me what I am doing there on the floor, and I look down at her, my hands still on her, and she is gone. Still warm, eyes closed, and finally at peace. Has anyone had this kind of experience before and can you tell me if it was normal?
too!