Orson Has Died

[buddy'smom]

Jeff

I am going to be honest and say I have not fully followed your story, mainly due to some very selfish reason, that being everytime I visit the Rainbow Bridge I relive the loss of our Buddy and we lost him 3 years ago (Feb. 21st) However, as I have done in the past, I will offer you my advice based mainly on my own grieving experience. I went through a horrid grief time that went on for months. Unlike you though, I did still have another boxer to love, our Kailee. We had adopted her 6 months prior to losing Buddy, so she was fairly well settled into our home a much a part of the family. But having her still did not relieve the loss I was feeling from not having my Budmeister around. I honestly felt that a piece of me died with him and I would never ever get that part of me back. I too, could not find any joy in seeing other dogs play, and although I had Kailee, I will admit for awhile I truly could not allow myself to love her as I potentially could at that time. I was actually afraid to, because my heart told me not to set myself up to experience that kind of painful loss again. In otherwords I was protecting myself. I poured my soul out on this forum and to anyone who would listen to me. Realizing one day enough was enough, I talked to my clergy. Fortunatly he was a dog lover himself, so he did understand my feeling of such loss. My biggest fear was that people would think I was a looney tune for grieving so deeply, thankfully he understood. Through discussions with my clergy, I was able to accept what happened to Buddy, forgive myself ( Oh I was guilt ridden over having never had him neutered, and the guilt of having to put him to sleep) Once I was able to accept and forgive I was able to open up my heart to Kailee and love her to my fullest potential. I had to understand that no, she was not Buddy, nor would any other boxer be him, but Kailee was unique in a different way. Kailee is just as loyal to me, but in a different way, Kailee is affectionate, but in a different way, and Kailee is able to give us soo much joy, just in a different way. And that is the key: to not expect you will get the same love, joy and devotion delivered to you in the same way with another boxer, but in a different way.
We spent the next 2 years after Buddy's death to heal, devoting our time to Kailee to ensure she was confident, happy and developed into the boxer girl she was meant to be. The thought of adding to our family with another male boxer was always there, but each time we discussed it, something told us we just weren't ready. Finally last March the time was right for us, and we applied and successfully adopted Clyde. The time was right and we knew it and you will know it too. For some reason your heart will open up one day and say hey I wanna have another boxer to complete my life and I am ready to accept and love, just in a different way.
Somehow, you need to talk this through, either on here with people who understand, or with a real 3D person, who understands the grief of losing a furcompanion, and is able to guide you through the healing process. As for feeling that in some way it may be disloyal to Orson's memory to open your heart to another furbaby I will quote to you a fragment from the book called : The Last Will And Testament of An Extremly Distinguised Dog, written by Eugene O'Neill

It would be a poor tribute to my memory never to have a dog again. What I would like to feel is that having once had me in the family, she cannot live without a dog.
My successor can hardly be as well bred or as well mannered or as distinguised and handsome as I was in my prime. My master and mistress must not ask the impossible.
But he will do his best, I am sure, and even in his inevitable defects will help by comparison to keep my memory green.

I do hope in some small way, by sharing some of my story I have helped you. (((HUGS))) to you, may time heal your pain.

Jean

 

[Joan I.]

I meant to add in my last post that a Pet Loss Support Group can be extremely valuable when a person is in deep grief. There usually are regular meetings where you can meet others who completely understand the depth of your pain, who suffer just as deeply over the loss of their friend.

If you are not comfortable with a group meeting, there is the option of talking to a counselor over the phone. They are not professional counselors, but people who have gone through deep loss, and can help you through your pain. They send you an info package of things you can do to heal from the grief.

The book mentioned in the last post is a wonderful book. It will make you cry, but it says a lot about dying with dignity.

I went to the library, and took out some books on pet loss which very extremely valuable. I also went to Indigo books with the intention of finding something to give me comfort. I took my time, looked through all the books on death and loss, and found one that spoke to me. I set aside time each day to really feel my grief, a time when I could read my book, cry, and fully allow all my feelings to come forth. Somehow this helped me the rest of the day to function without breaking down; I knew that my time would be there to "let it all out."

There are a lot of resources out there Jeff to help you through this, for come through this you must; you have a responsibility to yourself, and to Orson, to heal!

Take your time to feel your grief, and remember, this, like all things, will pass. Especially if you take the time to help yourself to heal.

Take good care,

Joni

 

[GraceOlivia]

Sweet Orson

You will be in our prayers, for your loss of Orson. We lost our Beloved Boxer, Grace, eight months ago. And it nearly killed us. We miss her all day, every day.

Hopefully, Orson will find Grace in Heaven and they can do Boxer Stuff.

Heather, Jeff & Olivia

 

[jeffisonline]

Thank you...

I have been reading the folllow ups, and each time I am amazed at how caring and kind everybody is here.
Thank you all for your non-stop support in this very difficult time.

I just picked up those last pictures of Orson, and in them was the last images I would ever see of him again.
They were snap shots of what was, but what will never be again.
The pictures were taken over the past 3 months, and documented Orson's illness.
I noticed for the first time when I was looking at the pictures that Orson looked very old, and very tired...All within a short time.
His illness took it's toll, and it was obvious when you look at the pictures.

I felt deep pain, and sadness as I looked through the pictures, and I haven't yet been able to look at them all without having to stop and clear the tears out of my eyes.
It's deeply painful.

I'm not at a point where I can look back, and be happy with memories, but considering how difficult the battle was, I am not sure it will be so easy to find peace with this situation just yet.

I think of him constantly, and I miss him more now than I did a month ago.
When I discuss this with anybody, I always have to stop...It's razor sharp, and it cuts deeply.

With all that said, I know one day I will find him waiting for me, as I am waiting for him...I also know that he taught me everything I know about unconditional love, and respect.
He taught me how to forget about the complicated aspects of life, and to apriciate simplicity.
But most of all he taught me that once you truly love something, they are always a part of your life forever, and in the end, that is the only thing that will matter out of everything else in our lives.

I know I will find him again someday, and I know he will be waiting...

Thank you for reading
Jeff

 

[peanutmom]

I think the kindness you feel from everyone here is a reflection of the respect we have for what you are going through and the obviously wonderful person you are. It hurts me to hear how hard this is for you, what an amazing love you have.

I look at the picture in your gallery and although it makes me sad to think that such a dear soul is gone from this earth, I can't help but smile at what a character he must have been. The goofy things he did to make you smile, which in turn made him happy. The battle the two of you went through together was hard for both of you but please try to find some peace in the thought of him being in peace and probably wiggling around doing something goofy to try and bring that smile to your face that he obviously loved so much.

On the mirror in my bathroom is written:

Remember the hurt, and where it got you.
Know the love, and where it will lead you.

It applies to so many thing in our lives. I will never forget the last time I saw my sweet girl and the hard times that followed but I can tell you that it is my sweet Peanut's memory (good and bad) that makes me to love my two current fur babies that much more. I see so much of her in the things they do that it makes me miss her, but also makes me feel good that my love for her is with me and lives on in the love I give them.

I hope that you can find peace and know that Orson will always be with you, love you, and doing crazy things to make you smile.

Make sure to keep writing, it is good to share those feelings and know that there are so many of us that can relate so well to what you are going through and love to share our stories to try and make your pain ease even if it is just a little.

 

[BoxerLuv82]

Originally posted by peanutmom
I think the kindness you feel from everyone here is a reflection of the respect we have for what you are going through and the obviously wonderful person you are.

I agree, your story has touched all of our hearts and we can all sympathize with you. Actions speak louder than words and everything you did for Orson has spoken volumes. It isn't easy, but with time the pain becomes a little more bearable day by day.

I keep you in my thougths and wish you well :p

 

[Krikkit]

I felt deep pain, and sadness as I looked through the pictures, and I haven't yet been able to look at them all without having to stop and clear the tears out of my eyes.

I hear you on this ..... when we lost Bo, our roll of film had many photo's of him on it. I gave it to a friend to get developed and it was not until 2 years later that I could look at the photo's, and when I did I was a total mess.

It's the small things ....... :(

You are in our thoughts

Sharon

 

[jeffisonline]

wow

You guys have all been nothing but good to me, and I thank you totally and deeply.

I did look at 2 puppy's my mom asked me to look at.
I thought they were wonderful, but I really don't feel ready for a puppy yet.
There is the one part that feels guilty about trying to fill Orson's place, but I know that wouldn't be the case.

I'm a very together person...I have a great job as a bartender, and a promotions manager, but under the surface I am deeply wounded, and it's crazy how you can be around hundreds of people, and so hurt at the same time...Nothing makes these things better but time I guess.

It's so strange coming home and Orson not being there, and the impulse to get a puppy was there to fill that void, but I want it to be right, so I think I will know when the time comes.
I just miss him, and I can't stand the idea that he is gone forever, but I have to accept it, but inside I really hate that idea.

I know a lot of people who read this has gone through something like I have, so I guess that's why everyone understands so much of what I am going through.

I honestly have no regretts about anything that I did, of course I question if there was anything I could have done differently, but there wasn't.
The cancer, and the tumor were growing inside of Orson's chest, and by the time the bump appeared on the rib cage, and was visable to me, it was already too late.
By that time the growth was already near his heart, and there was no way I could have know before I did.

I guess that is why I am angry...I wish I could have known, but it was inside the body, and Orson never seemed sick, he only got hives a couple of times, and had a bladder infection, but these things are common with healthy animals too, and he went on antibiotics, and the infection cleared up, so there was no further concern.

I guess all I can say to anybody who has a Boxer is to document any illness, and ask questions when you visit a vet.
Be aware of any changes, and reasearch everything so you can be prepared to deal with anything that may come up.
I hope and pray no one will ever have to deal with this situation, and everyone get's an old gray boxer who dies from old age.

I will write again soon, and I thank you all for everything, your support and understanding is so comforting.

Jeff

 

[papampi]

I'm so sorry ! its so sad to lose afriend and the worst is when you lose your best !!! but on the good side is the pain is over and he is released of what he was sufering !
god bless all !:(

 

[bustermom]

Re: wow

Originally posted by jeffisonline
The cancer, and the tumor were growing inside of Orson's chest, and by the time the bump appeared on the rib cage, and was visable to me, it was already too late.
By that time the growth was already near his heart, and there was no way I could have know before I did.

I know exactly what you mean!!

There have been numerous ads on the radio and TV around here for MRI "total body scans", which are supposed to be very safe and give you an idea of what's going on inside so that you can nip any problems in the bud.

They're very expensive right now (and only available for people), but I can't wait until this sort of thing is mainstream and available at vets' offices. Can you imagine how incredible that would be? Finding tumors or cancer or all sorts of internal problems before they become symptomatic and while they're treatable... someday...