Need some help at this time of year

[paula carter]

Hello
Well all my life it has been one thing after another and bear in mind i'm only 25 people say to me your so strong but this is because i just put my makeup on and carry on inside i'm falling appart well this is my life My childhood was quite bad I had a baby when i was 15 which i know was my own fault But i wanted him and he had all the love in the world 6 months later i had a blood clot Then a year later i had womb cancer they cleared it up though and then 6 months later i had an adnormal smear again the hospital kept having a look and saying there was no cancer there after a year and after about 8 adnormal smears they sent me for a scan.They said there was a big infection inside by this time i was in a lot of pain i had lost nearly 2 stone I went to my doctor and she got me in for an emeremency lapscropy When they did this they said i had Pelvic Inflammotry disease from having the coil fitted And all my tubes was twisted and my ovaries are a mess as well Theyn toold me i wqould never have more children Then a year later i was told i had P.m.s. and polycystic ovarie syndrome anyway at 24 years old i decided i wanted I.V.F But because i had factor v leiden which means my bood clots easily so there was a chance of miscarriageanyway they said me getting pregant was going to be easy cos of my age i was in so much pain from the ivf and it didn't work so we got Bruce our boxer and he has really bad epeleispy and then 5 months ago my 9 year old boy died suddenly it was not expected he was never ill and i'm dreading christmas without him.I'm also waiting to go for an Ecg cos what they thinked what may have killed Josh is heredity There is other illness but these things are a bit personal sorry to burdenb you all with this at this time of year it just seems never ending for me i don't know what i've done wrong.

 

[Faughtey]

You have not done anything wrong. You have had more than your share of troubles it seems. And it does help to write it down. The only advice I can think of is to tell you to hang in there. It has to get better sometime, right? Sending positive vibes ~~~~~ that good things start happening in your life.

 

[tanya&jazz]

Depression is a hard burden. Are you on any medications? You need help. Trust me your life is not as dark as it seems. I could out list your misfortunes and there were days when I thought I had nothing to live for, no luck if it wasn't bad luck.

I am on medication. Zoloft works well but it was a time finding the right one. The thing with negative thoughts is they grow and overwelm and spiral you down. All you can focus is on the negative but there are positives in your life now and in your past. Depression does not allow you to see them.
My advise is take it one day at a time.
Focus on the moment. Not tomorrow not yesterday.
Two sayings I hold on to:
"This too shall pass"
"God does not give you more than you can handle."

There are many people worse than you and many better but only one you so take care of yourself! Stop the negative talk. Stop the why me.

Trust me I have walked in your shoes. It is not easy and can be down right painful just exsisting but you can do it. You are strong or you wouldn't still be here.

 

[tanya&jazz]

Also feel free to pm me if you want to talk.

 

[Scrapper's Mom]

Paula, I'm so sorry about your boy. I have a son myself and I understand that love and I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. Besides being one of the best times of the year, Christmas can also be one of the hardest for people who have had such a loss like you have. I don't have any explanation, I don't understand how something like that could have happened. And on top of all your medical troubles; I've had a few myself in that area.

Sometimes there is just no reason we can see. We try to continue the best we can and hope for the time when we will be reunited with our loved ones. My Dad died about a year before my son was born. He was fairly young, but he got cancer. The thing he wanted most in the world was a son, but he had two daughters. I know he would have just adored Stephen, because I see a lot of my Dad in Stephen. I sometimes ask my hubby why my Dad had to die before Stephen was born because he would have loved him so much. It just doesn't seem fair to me. My hubby says he thinks it's because my Dad had to go be Stephen's guardian angel and watch out for him. I don't know if that's true or not, but I like to think he is up there, watching proudly and smiling down, maybe poking one of the saints in the ribs, saying, "Hey, Moses, that's MY grandkid..."

Anyhow, sending thoughts and prayers to you at this tough time. There are really, really good people on this board.

 

[Rlr.Giraffe]

I can't offer any words of advice, but know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Scrapper's Mom is right, Christmas can be a really rough time for people who have lost someone... I can't imagine how that must feel, but I am sending you lots of hugs to get through it!! It must be very overwhelming and stressful to deal with the uncertainty over your health too... but make it your #1 priority to make sure that you are taken care of; physically and emotionally. (((hugs)))

 

[craZ4HERKIE]

Paula...OMG...you haven't done anything wrong! Please don't think that! I believe that when someone has lots of burdens or has to endure a lot of heartache...it's because they are going to come into something great. Things will turn around for you, they WILL get better. I know this time of year has to be excruciating for you...but it will get better with time and healing. You can't beat yourself up, you have to keep your head up.Take thing one day at a time, and don't be ashamed to grieve...cry...let it out. If you keep things bottled up inside, it only makes things worse. Everything just compounds on top of each other. I'll pray that things get better for you soon, and wish you nothing but the best. And remember, this forum is for support...come here anytime you need us.

 

[basak]

There are times when I feel like whatever I say, doesn't sound right. It is one of those times.
You've had your share of troubles it seems. But never think that you did anything wrong! I sometimes wonder what God is up to but then later on, I realize, there is a bigger plan but we just don't know it.
Please know that you are not alone. You may fel like it, but believe me, you are not. It can't rain all the time, the sun will shine again very soon.

basak

 

[momstaxi]

I am so sorry Paula. Sometimes it really feels that life is not fair. I cannot imagine your grief over losing a child. I can think of nothing worse. This time of year will be so hard for you. Have you seen a doctor to discuss all this with? There really are meds that can help you cope with your feelings, not take them away, but make them easier to live with. Hang in there and if you need us we are here. You did NOTHING wrong.You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Michele

 

[Kosmo's Mom]

Paula, please know that you have not done anything wrong. Hang in there.
I hope & pray that things get better for you real soon.
Please know that everyone here at BW is here for you.
I know you have been thru alot but try to stay positive & good things will hopefully be around the corner for you.
You deserve it after all that you have been thru.
Good luck & positive vibes are coming your way.
Kosmo also sends his big boxer hugs & slobbery kisses to help you feel better.