Need advice on handle this...(really long)

[lisid]

My husbands parents came a few weeks ago to go out to dinner and in that conversation we told them we were trying to conceive. We've been extremely selective on who we've told (my parents, his parents, my supervisor -because of the nature of the work I do, and my husbands cousin). It's not something we want shouted out yet until we know we are pregnant and healthy etc. So we were at a party on Sunday with all his family..his brother recently got engaged and his fiancé asked me to be a bridesmaid while we were there on Sunday...I felt that she should know there could be a possibility that I would be pregnant and she's goes "oh, I know DH's mom already told me." Most things I don't really care about and I've overlooked A LOT with her, but this really bothers me, as it did my husband. She's done this at least once before w/ things I told her about my biological father...come to have some random family member I hardly knew ( at the time) ask me about it. So now I realize I need to be discrete in what I share with her. With that being said, I feel like I walk on eggshells every time I am around her, it stresses me out every time we go visit...I feel like I have to constantly watch what I say because she'll take what I say and twist it, or criticize me or judge me and when she does ask me question, its obvious she's not listening to the answer. Despite this, I TRY SO FRIGGEN HARD to go out of my way, even with little trivial things, to try and show her I care about her. My relationship (and hubbies) is completely different with his dad. I love his dad....and while he can be a little overbearing at times, I know his intentions are true and he just wants the best for us. He's sincere in everything he says, everything he asks and has taken a genuine interest in me, knowing me, how things in my life are etc. His mother has never done that, ever. She's never tried to get to know me, nor does she seem to care that she doesnt (Although I'm sure in her mind she has me figured it out) It’s such a cold hollow relationship, it really bothers me, hurts me....this is the mother of my husband and future grandmother of our children, I want to have a relationship with her…and we have discussed this in the past.

Last night DH calls her (I was not around) to talk to her and basically said, "we love you and want to have great relationship and in doing that we want to be able to share things with you that we dont share with just anyone, we were hurt that you told people we were trying to have a baby as we feel that this is something personal to us and is our choice to decide on who knows and who doesn't." I don’t know exactly what was said but I assume it was along these lines. Well, she flipped out...got completely defensive and said that this is who she is, she is an honest person and she's not going to walk on eggshells around people and if people ask questions, she's not going to lie, she's going to tell truth so if we dont want people to know something then we shouldn't tell her. Okay fine, I get that now. She then went on to say that she feels like DH has this great relationship with his father (he does and his father has really been putting an effort into that relationship) and that whenever he talks to her, all he does his chide her and criticize her (which is not true) but I realize this is her perception. She went on to say that she's 57 years old, this is who she is, she's not going to change, take it or leave it and she doesnt need someone criticizing her. She also said that this is an issue between me and her and I'm the one that should be talking to her about it. My opinion, is yes I do need to talk her but it's also an issue w/ DH, it involves him too. She only see it as having a relationship with me, having a relationship with DH, one with his sister, her husband, etc....but we apparently don't exist as a couple and the things that affect DH don't affect me etc. DH was the one to originally call her because this does involve him, she doesnt see that, whatever. She later called back yelling at him to talk to me, he said I wasn’t there, there was no way to have a conversation with her, she was upset, I was upset...even if we weren't upset, its her nature to get defensive and combative and even when its a simple conversation she shuts me out and doesn't listen. She's cold and unapproachable.

So I have come to the conclusion that I'm going to write a letter to her because I feel it will come across as less accusatory, gentler, etc. But I don't know how to say that we love her, we want to have a relationship with but she's choosing to shut herself out and by doing that my relationship with her will never change, we will always be uncomfortable around each other, we'll always be walking on eggshells and it will always be superficial and whether she chooses to admit, it will have an effect on her relationship with her grandkids. To be honest, I'm just exhausted, I'm tired of being stepped on for the sake of keeping the peace. I'm at a loss, I'm a mess.....DH a mess. I need help, any insight on how to handle this...

 

[Austin's Mom]

Sounds to me like she's jealous of your relationship with her son. What you tell her in confidence is just that....in confidence. When she tells other people she's breaking that, and the trust you put into telling her. Have you ever thought that maybe you're trying to hard to get her to like you? You and DH are a couple and she needs to accept that and treat you as such. She's being a little childish IMO.

 

[momstaxi]

Yes I agree with Chris. You are first and foremost a couple and of course things affect both of you. she needs to understand that. If you told her something in confidence of course she should respect that. I mean people should do that for anyone, even just an acquaintance, let alone her daughter-in-law. This woman sounds jealous and like a control freak. I know you are hoping for a good relationship with her and I commend you for that but for that to happen she does need to make some changes. If she is unwilling than unfortunately you may be stuck with just a superficial relationship with her. All you can do is try to talk to her, treat her as you would want to be treated, and see if she comes around. If she doesn't at least you'll know you tried your best and the problem is hers. She will be the one who is missing out. Good luck
michele

 

[lisid]

Thank you

First, thank you for your replies. Janie, you are such a strong woman, I can't imagine being in your situation.

I think you're all right, I can't change her and I need to accept that we won't have anything other than a superficial relationship. Its so hard, its just not the kind of person that I am and even more, I hate that fact that this hurts my husband. I don't know what I'll do as far as talking to her or writing her...I feel like can't talk to her w/o telling how I feel and what jerk she is but I know it won't acommplish anything.

Well, should be a an interesting holiday.

 

[owen's mum]

I have neary distroyed my relationship with BF over his mother and ex-wife. Be very glad that he will at least take your side and take up for you. I don't even get that most of the time. I do, however, get the truth:

"She is my mother, and I need to have a relationship with her. She has always been this way and she isn't going to change. Try not to let her bother you."

Since I have totally given up on having any deep relationship with her, we get along much better. I can finally enjoy an evening or weekend with BF's family because I expect nothing and usually get better. I'd love for her to love and respect me like my family does her son, but it will never happen.

Luckily BF is pretty great on his own!

 

[hanley]

Be thankful for your husband,let him take care of this matter,the more you say she will twist it around & cause more trouble,she will forgive him for what he tells her, but she will never forgive you. In her mind you can be replaced anytime,but her son can never be replaced,& it will be alot better coming for him than you,so don't write her a letter, it will only give her a chance to put your letter on display for everyone to read & that will cause more hard feelings.Just pass & repass with her as she does you, maybe one day she will come too realize you & your husband are one, & will respect your feelings.LOL,Hanley

 

[Scrapper's Mom]

I agree, forget the letter. It will only be misinterpreted. I tried this once, many years ago, when I was a young bride, with my hubby's mother. After that, no one in his family talked to me. My hubby even saw the letter and wrote at the bottom, "I agree with everything Genie wrote." *sigh* Why do these agressive, domineering mothers-in-law think the entire world revolves around them? I learned this: if your son gets married, try to get along with his wife. Make her your ally. Anyhow, to make a long story short, my hubby took my side, and she and her divorced husband (my kids' grandparents) missed out on meeting two of the best kids in the world. As they got older, they finally came to see the error of their ways and relented, but by then, it was too much water under the bridge. So just don't expect anything, don't take it too seriously, and be glad your hubby takes your side.

 

[BeckyNC]

It sounds as if you have a wonderful DH, who really cares about you a lot. Sometimes I wonder how such thoughtful people are the product of strange parents/mothers.

I had a big disagreement with a coworker 2 years ago. I was very upset. She screamed at me that I would burn in hell. I did nothing other than tell her she needed to be a team player, but she was jealous of my relationship with our director. I'd been in the job for 3 1/2 years and she for 3 mos. I recounted the situation to another coworker who was a friend. She told me something that will stick with me for the rest of my life: you cannot reason with an irrational person.

Your MIL sounds a bit irrational in the way she thinks about things--or she sounds irrational to the way we think about things. If you can accept this and try to be polite, you might feel better. I realize you want to have a relationship with MIL, but it sounds as if the relationship you desire will not be possible due to her personality. She will continue to display the same behavior and you will continue to feel frustrated.

I bet once you set aside the stress from this, you will get pregnant!!!

 

[lisid]

Thanks for the happy pregnancy vibes Becky, we have our fingers crossed

So its been like 4 days and we haven't heard from her. The advice you all gave was really great and something that one of you said really hit me...she'll forgive him because she's his son but she'll never forgive me. You're absolutely right and I've tried and there's nothing more I can do because she'll never get it. I feel sorry for herbecause I feel she's going to miss out on so many great things in our lives (she already has) and not only has she hurt her relationship with me (not that that was much of one to begin with) but she's hurt it with her son also.

My husband was a lot like her when we first met, he took ANYTHING that was said to him as putting him down etc, he had such low self estem and I'm sure its because he never recieved any positive praise from his mother. His sister puts herself down before her mom has a chance to do it. We've worked a really long time to get his esteem up and its still a daily thing to work on. It's just amazing to me, I grew up in such a different environment. It also took a really long time for him to get to the point where he realized his mom was hurting me (after some really insensitive things) and had to stand up to me. I think he felt our marriage wouldn't last if he didnt. He had been married before to his college sweetheart and while there were MANY things that had led to their divorce, one of the things his ex said during the divorce was that she felt his parents made all the decisions in their relationship. It doesn't happen with ours and I'm sure his mother hates that she doesnt have that control.

I have a psychologist friend that is going thru this with her own parents Her suggestion was to focus on the good things about her. So far, the only thing I can come up with....she makes killer blueberry muffins.

Thanks again for all the support and advice.