Boxer people understand...the silence in a home without a Boxer is deafening. We could not stand to be home where Cami wasn't yet we didn't want to be gone from home where she once was. We would drive for hours and do nothing but cry.
We immediately felt we would never have another Boxer since the heartache was so consuming. Breathing was an incredible task that required intense focus.
At some point I felt that I just wasn't myself without a Boxer to love and to be loved by. You think a broken heart isn't capable of love but amazingly another Boxer was the best medicine I could have ever hoped for. Raine came into our lives a little over 6 months after we lost Cami and I won't lie....it was a very hard and difficult decision to make. Not only choosing to open our hearts up to the thought of another Boxer but to actually make the journey to bring her home. Driving to get Raine I remember telling my DH that I wasn't ready and felt we were making a mistake. He was ready to turn the car around and return home. Something gave me the courage that day to continue on our trip and even with tear soaked faces we know now we made the right decision. If we had not lost Cami we would have never known Raine's love. Having one heart dog in a lifetime is a special blessing but finding two is an unexplained miracle.
Cami's passing was haunting to me and I will never get over the fact that I too felt as if I let her down in the end. The reality is that she has been returned to her perfectly healthy self just as Millie has and they are both enjoying whatever it is they are doing until we meet again.
Whatever decision you make will be the right one. You can do no wrong in Millie's eyes.
I Know you understand so well the agony we are feeling, and the fact that we are stuck in time 8th November 2012 . The Mayan Indian prophecy that the world may end in December this year has come true for me, the only thing they got wrong was the date, my world ended last Thursday.
I remember reading your heartbreaking post of how your darling Cami's end haunted you. I read it a couple of weeks ago, and through my sobs, I took Millie's sweet old face, and smothered it in kisses. I told her over and over how much I loved her, and that when the time come, it was OK, and that she should slip off in her sleep.I prayed that when that sad day arrived we would never have to face such a traumatic ordeal as you and your husband did that terrible night with Cami.
Sadly, it was not to be. The planning that went into that fateful day last week was meticulous on our part. I never wanted her to go, I wanted her to stay forever, but the blindness at her age robbed her, and left her too frightened to move around indoors, and terrified to go into the garden to relieve herself, as she was so unsure of her footing. We tried to guide her, but she was mortified with fear, and must've felt as if her whole world had disappeared. The only respite from fear she seemed to get was laying out on the Patio. I didn't want her to do it, it was so freezing cold and damp. We used to let her go out and lay there, but would cover her in blankets, so many that you couldn't see her, just a huge pile of covers. I wondered why she kept doing it..It was the only time she would sleep peacefully, but I know now that it was instinct taking over, and she was trying to find a place to die. Of course, I worried, she was my baby, and she was cold, so I kept having my husband bring her in. I didnt want her to die in the cold. I wish to God now I had let her do what SHE knew was right. I will live to regret that as long as I live.
For that whole week when she went blind, we never left her for so much as a second, day or night, she was never alone. We set up the lounge almost as a hospital ward. All the furniture was pushed back against the walls, so she couldn't hurt herself, the floor we covered in sheeting, and her water and food we took into the room for her. We lay every night with her between us on the floor. I didn't sleep for the whole week. I grabbed an hour here or there when she did doze off, but she never slept for more than 2 hours a night. I massaged her, and syringed water into her mouth, and sang all those silly songs to her, told her a million times we loved her, trying to calm her and make her relax. We did everything to make her comfortable, life revolved round Millie. Normal everyday life stopped.
That last day was agony, we sat looking at the clock, first hours left with her, then just minutes, our life as we knew it would never be the same. I breathed in her scent, lay on the bed with her, kissed every part of her beautiful face, and those big old paws. I covered her in lipstick kisses on those lovely white flashes, just so she'd be wearing those kisses when she went.
I can't actually type down what happened next, you were so brave in being able to do it. It was a very, very similar experience, but we were never given the correct time for when the 'vet' would call. It was like waiting for a tradesman, never knowing when they would arrive. The sedative we were given was useless, and didn't work because they came before it took effect. They were meant to ring an hour before they got here in order for it to work, three times we phoned to tell them how vital this small fact was but they didn't bother, in fact when he turned up, he obviously hadn't even read Millie's notes, because he knew nothing of the sedative. They even come into my home, and threw a muzzle down on the sofa....
For my darling Millie who was so kind and gentle, she was old, sick and blind. She never, ever posed a threat to anyone.It was like we were worth nothing, except the money. there was no compassion. So unlike when our Poppy Boxer passed. Our vet had been so kind, and sat before she died, and after with us, cried with us, and gave her a passing so peaceful and loving that I hope when my time comes that I could go so gently and in such calm loving manner..She knew no fear.
Millie was so frightened, and fought for her life. They gave her more sedative in her neck.. Still she didn't sleep.She yelped because they hurt her. I KNOW they hurt her, and because she couldnt see what was happening. What followed is awful, I can't tell you how awful. I was robbed of the chance to hold her face, I couldn't see her beautiful face that I had loved for so long... It took too long, way, way, too long. The vet and nurse were panicking. I wont go on, its too traumatic, and doesn't make pleasant reading. They simply packed up and left, job done.
I had prepared the room with such love, I had candles, flowers, and gentle music, I wanted it to be peaceful, it wasn't. I will be haunted by that day forever. Sleep is not a restful experience anymore, that scene plays over and over in my head, like some kind of punishment. Everything seems to be going wrong, things breaking etc, and I feel like its some kind of divine intervention.
I cant live with myself, or deal with, how her sweet life ended, it was so cruel.
I thank God that you found Raine and she has brought you so much love and joy..I share your pain with how you lost Darling Cami, and thank God that we, you, I, and our families,are in the minority, and that not many others will have to deal with the awful weight, and pain of guilt of the passing of such loved dogs that went so terribly wrong.
I know I must move on, and begin the true grieving process in order to heal, but I know you understand how hard that is in the circumstances.. I don't want to wallow in self pity, it's not me, I don't revel in sympathy, Im the joker, the funny girl who cheers everyone else up.I just want to be me again, and learn how to smile and laugh.
Now maybe others will understand how I questioned the fact of if we are worthy of rescuing another Boxer, I feel we let Millie down, so have no right at another chance.
Boxers seem to transcend being simply dogs, they are so, so much more. We teach them tricks, but I think they teach us so much more. They learn how to take on human qualities, all the nicest ones, without the need for us ever to show them how.
I Hope Millie found Cami at the bridge, and they are chasing butterflies and making Rainbows together.
. Xxx
