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Heading North!

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by LILYLARUE, Sep 23, 2013.

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  1. LILYLARUE

    LILYLARUE Boxer Insane

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    I have decided to move to New Hampshire. House going up for sale end of October. My daughter moved to Boston 2.5 yrs ago. Met an amazing man and she then moved to NH beginning of last year. She tries to come home once every 3-4 months but it's just not enough for me. I miss her terribly. I've always had depression and anxiety, but the past two years have been so hard on me and I'm taking my anxiety meds now every day, with at least 3 panic attacks a week now. I hate my job - bro is my boss since Dad retired and he is soooo not tolerant of my issues - even though he goes to the hospital about every 3 mos cause he thinks he's having a heart attack, which ends up just being an anxiety attack. You'd think he'd be more empathetic. But no, that's just not part of his inner structure. I also am in need of back surgery and a knee replacement, so my time lost at work is getting more often. I understand his frustration, but do I choose to be in such bad shape? Do I enjoy living like a hermit in pain every day and then go to a job where a boss is Hitler? I'm gonna be 50 in 2 more years and I just don't want to live any more like this. I survived cancer three times, and each time all he wanted to know is when am I "getting my ass back to work?" The last surgery I spent 7 days in the hospital and he called as I was on my way home to see if I could stop in the office and do a few things quick. UM>>>>>F'n NO! He even argued with me one time when I stated to someone that I am a survivor too. He said, "you didn't need any chemo, so you ain't a survivor! A survivor of what? Surgery?" I talk to family and friends about how much I dislike him, and they always defended him. I say, you just don't know how he treats me cause they never see it - he is a gem when other's are around. Our family does pick on each other, lovingly, but his picking is hurtful, always followed by "I'm just joking" or "don't be sooo sensitive". He is very assertive and oppressive, so no one ever calls him on it. And being beaten down by him doesn't give me the strength to do so either. So he continues to offend without recourse.

    The last straw and the moment of clarity of my decision was at a family dinner. Mom & Dad (both our step parents but loved very much), their best and closet couple, and my bro's sons with their girlfrends were all sitting on the deck waiting for bro and his wife to arrive to finally eat. They are always late! That morning I picked up my new pair of glasses, baby pink fronts with wine colored arms. Way out of my comfort zone and very on the fence about keeping them, but I got them in hopes that I would look in the mirror and see the old me, the unique one, the one to push limits on fashion and spark conversation with strangers, the me before cancer and losing my Mom. Very nervous that I looked stupid at my age trying to "be young". LOL Anyways, my bro and wife finally arrived and walked up behind me, her giving me a hug and kiss hello. He came around the table and his first words out of his mouth when he saw me was "What the *F* do you have on your face?!" My heart just broke. I felt shattered and stupid. He always had a way of making me feel that way....I know, I LET HIM make me feel that way. Years of therapy told me that but having to see him all the time, it's hard to fight back. But he was always my big brother, took over being "man of the house" when my parents divorced. He also takes after my "Archie Bunker" father, the racist, hypocrite, opionionated, self-obsorbed, insecure and biggest insulter in the world. I am completely opposite, taking after my open-minded, loving and caring mom. There has always been a love/hate relationship between us, but my Mom was always the buffer. Since she has passed 7 years ago, it's gotten worse. If I say anything to anyone, they think I'm being "too sensitive" or just taking him wrong, "because he loves me dearly and always speaks highly of me when around others". This just pisses me off! If he would say it to me, I'd believe it. I rarely get any positive comments from him and if they come, it's always followed by a "but" or so few and far between the constant insults that I forget them. But I truly think he is just manipulating others to think I'm just off my rocker cause he's just the best brother anyone could ever hope for!

    Anyways........that family dinner was the first time he shown his true colors about me in front of them. They were all shocked and immediately complimented me over and over. It didn't help. I was already crushed. Sounded like sympathy reinforcements to me. I went inside and broke down. My stepmom and dad came inside and comforted me. My stepmom knows he can be a real ass and totally understands my insecurity comes from his verbal and mental abuse since childhood. Her sister was the same way. My dad though, was just shocked. He even started to cry with me. He said "I'm so sorry , that was just mean". All I could whimper out was "don't bother unless you can continue to apologize for him every single day". The only thing that got me out of my funk that dinner was that he exposed himself - finally! Everyone in the family got to witness his abuse of me. His way of controlling me. His expression of how deeply he hates himself and won't allow anyone to feel good about themselves either. It also opened my eyes up to this theory. Now I just feel so sorry for him. That he is that miserable inside. I now realize this and can work on myself and do my best to just ignore his ignorant ass, but still hard when he's my boss. LOL That he is really a weak, hurt little boy inside and he needs to hurt me to feel better about himself. Oh, did I forget to mention that he is a Mensa Member? May be really smart, but social inept as far as I'm concerned.

    It was that dinner that I decided that I need to get away from him and as far away as I can get. Where he can't control me or tell me how to live my life because he pays my salary. Always criticizing me when I'm always broke. (mind you, he makes double what I do, takes money from the company whenever he needs it, company paid vehicle and inusrance, and year end 4 figure bonuses - I get a weekly paycheck, that's it) That day at dinner I realized just how much I missed and needed my daughter. She knows me, understands me, loves me unconditionally, respects me and always knows what to say to help me get up and live again. I needed her there that day more than ever. She would have spoken up for me and told him to go to hell. I taught her to be strong and never let anyone push her around or make her feel bad about herself. She learned to put it into effect when she was bullied at school. She found her voice and doesn't put up with any crap now. She tells it like it is and will tell off anyone who offends her or anyone else. She speaks up for the underdogs! I am just so darn proud of the woman she has become. Kinda think that's the woman I used to be before cancer. Damn cancer. Cancer sucks - sucks the life right out of ya if you don't have the emotion support while fighting. I was going through my cancer the same time my Mom was dying of hers. We were both diagnosed one day apart. I understand they all were greiving my Mom's death as I was fighting for my life. I never felt so alone as I did that year and a half. I felt useless in helping my daughter grieve. She was grieving with my Dad and the rest of the fam, I was suffering alone. I never resented my daughter for not being there for me.....heck, she just lost her best friend/grandma and probably so terrified she would lose me too. She had to only grieve for one person at a time, and I completely understand that. My friends visited me more than my own family. In all honesty, if it weren't for Lily, my boxer girl, I would have done myself in. So I have her to thank for helping me through those tough times. She is the ONLY reason I am still here.

    As I look forward, I am so excited for my new journey. A journey into a new life of freedom - emotionally, and physically. I can't wait! If I could go today, I would already be on my way! Funny thing I look forward to the most.......the trip with the dogs! LOL Me, four dogs in the back, dragging a uhaul behind us. Heading for happiness. Complete and utter independence. Still havent figured out how I'm gonna take the cats yet. One will be ok but the other is totally anti-social, and never been in the car since her first vet appointment. She may need a few xanax for the trip too. LOL I am sooooo Looking forward the day I can tell my bro to *F* off and good luck without me! Don't visit, you are not welcome in my house unless you can be nice. Heck, don't care if I never see him again actually. His wife though, I love her dearly. We got into "dogs" together. She's now a trainer and I make dog wares. She is welcome with her lab to visit anytime! He can stay home with his saint bernard.
     
  2. LILYLARUE

    LILYLARUE Boxer Insane

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    My daughter will be getting engaged very soon, per her positive, hopefullness. He is talking about it and both working towards it. He's older, by 14 years, scared me at first but when I saw him with her during their first visit home, I saw a man who admired and appreciated her. His eyes spoke volumes to me. Always treats her like an equal, never using her age against her and so understanding of "her finding out who she is and enjoying watching her fall into herself" - his exacts words! What mother wouldn't want this man for their daughter? He is amazing and I couldn't have picked better for her. He has two little ones, 4 and 2 whom adore her and love her too. She is in heaven! She loves kids, and very much looking forward to being a good step mom, and eventually a child of her own. I can't be any more happy for her. Seeings that I have been single since I divorced her father 21 years ago, she has a very good view on relationships and what is acceptable and what is not. What are deal breakers and where red flags are flying. I did good by her by not bringing men in and out of her life. I was engaged once, with him for 5 years, but ended when he didn't return to the US from Scotland. Long story, but Karma bit him pretty hard! I just look forward to sharing in her life. Being grandma and supporting Mommy. He is even welcoming me - knowing how hard it is on her and I to be seperated. He's even helping me get the loan for the new house and will do the inspections of any I see I am interested in. That's what he does, loans and mortgages. How lucky am I? LOL A soon to be son-in-law that likes me! Whoo Hooo! My daughter said that would have been a deal breaker if we didn't get along. You see, my whole family still involves the ex'es. My parents were awesome in keeping the adult things private from the kids. Ex's would go to family parties, mine, my bro's 3 and my natural father were always at every event! Heck, my parents even lost some friends over it - they thought we were crazy to remain friends. Some walked out of parties cause they just couldn't fathom ex's and newbies all together. Personally, i don't get the hatred in divorces. That's something I can't fathom, especially when kids are involved. Suck it up - don't screw up your kids cause you can't get along. It's immature and selfish. Of course there's always those crack pot ex's that you just can't wait till they get hit by a bus. lol

    I have no idea why I am sharing all this. Maybe cause you all are so supportive and "feel like family" when someone needs uplifting. Maybe cause I need to just let it all out and have others just understand. Why? I don't know. No one here "knows" me in person. But friendships still flourish and we all seem to empathize with everyone who needs it. Either way, I am thankful that you all are here for me to open up to. Easier possibly when whom you share with really doesn't know you. No judgements. No defending the opposition. And no one can slap me! hahaha

    If you made it through this far, I sure hope you don't think I'm nutso! LOL If you want to share insight, please do! I could use some! If you are close to Manchester NH, let me know! I would love to make new friends up there, and boxer people make it even better!
    And thanks for just listening. I don't have too many people close to me to share with, and the few I have I'm sure get tired of my bitc#ing about it. I thought I had a lot of friends, until cancer. It did help to weed out the superficial ones and expose my closest, caring, true friends. And it's not bad have a few really great ones instead of lots of superficial ones. But I hate burdening them with my negavity - I was always a positive person, again until cancer. Ugh. Not that I'm debbie downer now, but the depression and anxiety really takes a toll on my postive outlook.

    NH HERE I COME!!!
     
  3. Roge

    Roge Boxer Insane

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    Well Lisa that is an epic life story !!! I think that there is no one on this planet that has the "perfect " family however it seems that you have put up with a lot of crap for way too long and I am so so glad to read that you are now taking positive steps albeit very big ones to make a better life for yourself and to be near the people in your life that really matter.
    I am wishing you every success in your venture and from reading your post I am sure that you will finally be able to relax and find peace ( you deserve it !!!! )
    Good luck and keep us posted on the BIG MOVE :)
     
  4. Sansal

    Sansal Boxer Insane

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    YEAH! Great decision, good for you :) appicon :)

    You'll love it in NH. I currently live in Maine (as you might know from fb :) ), not too far away from NH. Maybe some day we can do some rescue work together :)

    Good luck and congratulations for taking your life and happiness into your own hands.

    grouphugicon
     
  5. Cami

    Cami Boxer Insane

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    I just want to give you a big hug, sit on the couch together with a glass of wine (even though I rarely drink) and TALK.
    I am totally in love with your phrase....
    Heading for happiness.

    Simple words yet a perfect description of your upcoming journey.
    Your daughter sounds like a keeper and I didn't hear anywhere in your words where you gave YOURSELF any credit for how she turned out. She has one hell of a mom in you in order to become the person that she is today. Don't sell yourself short. Cancer might have beaten you down FOR A MINUTE but you are STILL YOU. I suspect your inner protector is in the drivers seat currently and prompted you to make the move away from your toxic brother. Survival mode does wonderful things if we can let it take over sometimes.

    I ENVY YOUR STRENGTH.
    You go girl! appiconappicon
     
  6. Roge

    Roge Boxer Insane

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    I came across this quote today and immediately thought of you and your major decision .

    The entire water of the sea cant sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship
    Similarly, negativity of the world cant put you down unless you allow it to get in...
     
  7. LILYLARUE

    LILYLARUE Boxer Insane

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    Thank you everyone for your supportive and kind words. I am tearing up reading them over and over. My heart is swelled with virtual love. Thank you thank you! I truly needed to hear it.

    Cami, I don't drink at all, gave it up 10 years ago. For no other reason than my hangover recovery time was longer than my party time! LOL I really can't take all the credit for what an amazing woman my daughter is becoming. It took a village. I wasn't a bad Mom at all, I know that and she tells me all the time what a great one I am. But there were many times with my depression that I checked out.....on her and life for a little. My parents and awesome friends took over when I couldn't. I never hid my depression from her. Tried my best to explain it so she knew it had nothing to do with her. As she got older, she learned how to cope with my tuning out, and reached out to those who were always there for her. And she always came back with open arms and a great big hug for me.

    Yesterday, I caught up on some of your comments and started to cry. They were so heartfelt. Well, once again my bro had to ruin my day by coming in my office, seeing my tears and says "Now what the "f" is wrong with you?" Ugh. BUT BUT BUT BUT with your words of support I could manage to say "Can't you just leave me alone? Why be such a dick! Go away." And of course he just stomped off with some words under his breath.

    So, you all gave me a tiny bit of my voice back yesterday. And for that, I can't thank you enough.

    But when it rains, it seems to pour. My business partner for some reason has decided to just ignore me and the business. Won't return any communication for the past two weeks now. I have had two huge events to vendor and she blew me and them off. We were rescue friends for 3 years now. Close or so I thought. A month ago she pulled this and I thought talking through it solved the issue. It was over a trivial thing - a harness and collar for her new puppy. Every time I saw her, she wouldn't mention anything but on the phone or text she would ask when we can do it. I told her to get his measurements and the next time she's over, I would whip them up. Well, she came and went and never said anything. Then her and hubby took him to a small dog event. Pup went ballistic. He was a wrecking ball. Hubby gets pissed and tells her if she aint getting anything out of helping with the biz, then she needs to cut it off. Told her she needs to stop making friends with people who take advantage. I apologized profusely. I wanted to save the friendship. I sucked up any mixed feelings about it and admitted that I was selfish and inconsiderate. Wellllllllll, if anyone TRULY knows me, they know those are two things I am not. I am a complete giver and never one to ask for anything from people. I am usually the one that collects user friends. Not the other way around. After talking with my long standing 25 yr friend......she said "Lisa, a difficult friend YOU ARE NOT! You had no reason to apologize - it ain't your dog! You run 4 businesses, raise 4 dogs, and have depression/anxiety disorders. What would anyone who truly knows you expect you to be so UN-SELFISH? Any true friend would understand that you go through your ebs and flows. That you never to anything to hurt anyone on purpose or with hate. This relationship is not worth your mental well being. If you have to ask a "friend" what you did wrong, then they aren't a friend. A true friend, who understands the meaning of friendship, would never let you stew in misery." She is soooo right. One friendship lost. But I'm moving, so not much of a loss if I look at the longterm of things.

    It just seems like when I am in my funk, that's when those around me wanna screw with me and make me even more of a mess. My depression already makes me feel like I am needy, and no one there to support me. So why have a "friend" that adds to that funk. Just ridiculous that my brain just can't work like others. It's very frustrating. Very exhausting to "fake" happiness for other's benefits. No matter how down I get, I am the one always trying to lift others up. I am always the one others come to for support or to cry to. I NEVER ask others to join in my misery. Although my bestie will travel 3 hours to check on me if I don't respond to her calls or texts. I love her so much.....she totally gets me. When she lived beside me, I was holed up for 4 days. She finally broke a window to get in to check on me. THAT'S A TRUE FRIEND! She's the hardest to leave when I move. She's in DE now, moved back 6 mos. ago. But she's always there for me, no matter how far apart we are. I sure wish I had more friends like her. She is truly one of a kind.

    Ohhhh, here I go again! Sorry. Another depressing rant. But I thank you and BW for giving me a place to do it. Where support and kind words help me get through. God, please allow my house to sell quick so I can be where you have an open path to guide me through this. I know right now, you sure got one heck of a dense cloud to break through.....and thank you for sending those who are under the storm, and can reach me.
     
  8. Bastiansgrlz

    Bastiansgrlz Boxer Buddy

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    Although I'm new to the board

    I say good for you! My daughter is 10 and it's been me and her since she arrived and I can say that it will be certainly hard for me when she up and decides to leave the nest or even not within a decent driving distance away. I cherish the good relationship we have.

    You're mentioning of how your family includes ex's and the newbies, seems very similiar to my situation. Lots of people find it odd, that I have a positive relationship with my daughter's father, his new mate and even his family. It's important for our daughter to see that we are all still family.

    To move forward with being close to your comfort will be a tremendous lift for your health and well being. I wish you nothing but the best in relaxing NH. I bet the scenery alone will reduce the amount of Xanax you have to take. Big Hugs!
     
  9. LILYLARUE

    LILYLARUE Boxer Insane

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    Thank you! Not only for your kind words of encouragement, but also to let me know my family isn't as "weird" as others want me to believe as far as exes go. Pretty cool to know there are other "open" families as us!! I truly think if the adults let go of petty differences, keep personal seperate from the children, and work hard at controlling their emotions, every family could live in harmony. But as we know, few are able to let things go and move forward for the sake of the kids. Kudos for your family doing the best for the kids. Your kids will thank you for it in the future. And eventually, they will also draw their own conclusions, as adults, to who and what did things to aid in their development. My daughter knows now that her father didn't add any other financial support than his measly $50 per week. My parents helped me a lot with her activities, camps, international trips, etc. They never once told her "we paid for that!".
     
  10. LILYLARUE

    LILYLARUE Boxer Insane

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    hit post too soon.....

    Eventually she figured it all out, who did what and such. And she's pretty well developed in that sense......she knows and her depth of relationships are reflective of that.
     
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