I have decided to move to New Hampshire. House going up for sale end of October. My daughter moved to Boston 2.5 yrs ago. Met an amazing man and she then moved to NH beginning of last year. She tries to come home once every 3-4 months but it's just not enough for me. I miss her terribly. I've always had depression and anxiety, but the past two years have been so hard on me and I'm taking my anxiety meds now every day, with at least 3 panic attacks a week now. I hate my job - bro is my boss since Dad retired and he is soooo not tolerant of my issues - even though he goes to the hospital about every 3 mos cause he thinks he's having a heart attack, which ends up just being an anxiety attack. You'd think he'd be more empathetic. But no, that's just not part of his inner structure. I also am in need of back surgery and a knee replacement, so my time lost at work is getting more often. I understand his frustration, but do I choose to be in such bad shape? Do I enjoy living like a hermit in pain every day and then go to a job where a boss is Hitler? I'm gonna be 50 in 2 more years and I just don't want to live any more like this. I survived cancer three times, and each time all he wanted to know is when am I "getting my ass back to work?" The last surgery I spent 7 days in the hospital and he called as I was on my way home to see if I could stop in the office and do a few things quick. UM>>>>>F'n NO! He even argued with me one time when I stated to someone that I am a survivor too. He said, "you didn't need any chemo, so you ain't a survivor! A survivor of what? Surgery?" I talk to family and friends about how much I dislike him, and they always defended him. I say, you just don't know how he treats me cause they never see it - he is a gem when other's are around. Our family does pick on each other, lovingly, but his picking is hurtful, always followed by "I'm just joking" or "don't be sooo sensitive". He is very assertive and oppressive, so no one ever calls him on it. And being beaten down by him doesn't give me the strength to do so either. So he continues to offend without recourse. The last straw and the moment of clarity of my decision was at a family dinner. Mom & Dad (both our step parents but loved very much), their best and closet couple, and my bro's sons with their girlfrends were all sitting on the deck waiting for bro and his wife to arrive to finally eat. They are always late! That morning I picked up my new pair of glasses, baby pink fronts with wine colored arms. Way out of my comfort zone and very on the fence about keeping them, but I got them in hopes that I would look in the mirror and see the old me, the unique one, the one to push limits on fashion and spark conversation with strangers, the me before cancer and losing my Mom. Very nervous that I looked stupid at my age trying to "be young". LOL Anyways, my bro and wife finally arrived and walked up behind me, her giving me a hug and kiss hello. He came around the table and his first words out of his mouth when he saw me was "What the *F* do you have on your face?!" My heart just broke. I felt shattered and stupid. He always had a way of making me feel that way....I know, I LET HIM make me feel that way. Years of therapy told me that but having to see him all the time, it's hard to fight back. But he was always my big brother, took over being "man of the house" when my parents divorced. He also takes after my "Archie Bunker" father, the racist, hypocrite, opionionated, self-obsorbed, insecure and biggest insulter in the world. I am completely opposite, taking after my open-minded, loving and caring mom. There has always been a love/hate relationship between us, but my Mom was always the buffer. Since she has passed 7 years ago, it's gotten worse. If I say anything to anyone, they think I'm being "too sensitive" or just taking him wrong, "because he loves me dearly and always speaks highly of me when around others". This just pisses me off! If he would say it to me, I'd believe it. I rarely get any positive comments from him and if they come, it's always followed by a "but" or so few and far between the constant insults that I forget them. But I truly think he is just manipulating others to think I'm just off my rocker cause he's just the best brother anyone could ever hope for! Anyways........that family dinner was the first time he shown his true colors about me in front of them. They were all shocked and immediately complimented me over and over. It didn't help. I was already crushed. Sounded like sympathy reinforcements to me. I went inside and broke down. My stepmom and dad came inside and comforted me. My stepmom knows he can be a real ass and totally understands my insecurity comes from his verbal and mental abuse since childhood. Her sister was the same way. My dad though, was just shocked. He even started to cry with me. He said "I'm so sorry , that was just mean". All I could whimper out was "don't bother unless you can continue to apologize for him every single day". The only thing that got me out of my funk that dinner was that he exposed himself - finally! Everyone in the family got to witness his abuse of me. His way of controlling me. His expression of how deeply he hates himself and won't allow anyone to feel good about themselves either. It also opened my eyes up to this theory. Now I just feel so sorry for him. That he is that miserable inside. I now realize this and can work on myself and do my best to just ignore his ignorant ass, but still hard when he's my boss. LOL That he is really a weak, hurt little boy inside and he needs to hurt me to feel better about himself. Oh, did I forget to mention that he is a Mensa Member? May be really smart, but social inept as far as I'm concerned. It was that dinner that I decided that I need to get away from him and as far away as I can get. Where he can't control me or tell me how to live my life because he pays my salary. Always criticizing me when I'm always broke. (mind you, he makes double what I do, takes money from the company whenever he needs it, company paid vehicle and inusrance, and year end 4 figure bonuses - I get a weekly paycheck, that's it) That day at dinner I realized just how much I missed and needed my daughter. She knows me, understands me, loves me unconditionally, respects me and always knows what to say to help me get up and live again. I needed her there that day more than ever. She would have spoken up for me and told him to go to hell. I taught her to be strong and never let anyone push her around or make her feel bad about herself. She learned to put it into effect when she was bullied at school. She found her voice and doesn't put up with any crap now. She tells it like it is and will tell off anyone who offends her or anyone else. She speaks up for the underdogs! I am just so darn proud of the woman she has become. Kinda think that's the woman I used to be before cancer. Damn cancer. Cancer sucks - sucks the life right out of ya if you don't have the emotion support while fighting. I was going through my cancer the same time my Mom was dying of hers. We were both diagnosed one day apart. I understand they all were greiving my Mom's death as I was fighting for my life. I never felt so alone as I did that year and a half. I felt useless in helping my daughter grieve. She was grieving with my Dad and the rest of the fam, I was suffering alone. I never resented my daughter for not being there for me.....heck, she just lost her best friend/grandma and probably so terrified she would lose me too. She had to only grieve for one person at a time, and I completely understand that. My friends visited me more than my own family. In all honesty, if it weren't for Lily, my boxer girl, I would have done myself in. So I have her to thank for helping me through those tough times. She is the ONLY reason I am still here. As I look forward, I am so excited for my new journey. A journey into a new life of freedom - emotionally, and physically. I can't wait! If I could go today, I would already be on my way! Funny thing I look forward to the most.......the trip with the dogs! LOL Me, four dogs in the back, dragging a uhaul behind us. Heading for happiness. Complete and utter independence. Still havent figured out how I'm gonna take the cats yet. One will be ok but the other is totally anti-social, and never been in the car since her first vet appointment. She may need a few xanax for the trip too. LOL I am sooooo Looking forward the day I can tell my bro to *F* off and good luck without me! Don't visit, you are not welcome in my house unless you can be nice. Heck, don't care if I never see him again actually. His wife though, I love her dearly. We got into "dogs" together. She's now a trainer and I make dog wares. She is welcome with her lab to visit anytime! He can stay home with his saint bernard.