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Am I too young to commit?c (long)

Discussion in 'Community Support' started by Alidog, Feb 25, 2005.

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  1. Luvnmyboxer

    Luvnmyboxer Boxer Insane

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    I am 22 and as much as I want a serious relationship and see my future, marriage is not something I want right now. I have already grad. from college and have been working a "real" job for almost 3 years now, it seems as though the next step would be marriage then kids. But I honestly have time now (no pressure from school, steady job, etc.) to relax and do my own thing. My bf just got home from overseas- he too wanted to move in together and I refused. Not that I'm against the idea b/c I'm not. But I dont think it's right to live with someone if there are no more future plans. Why get married if you got the person with you 24/7 the way it is?? Maybe I'm different but I"m gonna make my man work his butt off to get me to settle down. I love him to death and know he's the one, and he feels the same- so therefore we enjoy doing our own things right now with him in TX and me in IN. Trust is #1 in my book, and enjoy the freedom while you got it. As far as getting a house together, I see that as a major red flag until your names are on a written marriage contract. B/c if you break up things are gonna hit the ceiling. If I were you I'd keep track of what I buy (keep your receipts to big items) that way you got something to cover you if needed. I know it sounds harsh, but you really can't trust people anymore. If you want to live with him, pay him rent (or offer at least) and pay half of the bills, groceries, etc. I'm sure we all sound harsh to you, but we'll look at the negative side for you--so you can look at the positives!! Enjoy and take it from me girl, it may seem like the end of the world if you lose a good one, but there are a few other decent ones out there too. Now if they come back to haunt you almost 5 yrs later (like mine) then maybe take a deeper look--then remember why he's an ex to begin with--lol.
     
  2. WYearta

    WYearta Super Boxer

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    I also agree that actual age doesn't really have that much to do with it. It's just a number. Your maturity levels have a whole lot more bearing on readiness to me married. If you're thinking of moving in together for convenience, I agree with shannonmac, do it more on a roommate basis-pay rent, split utilities, but also have a contract or something in case things go south and you want out so you can't be held responsible for future expenses.

    I think the most important thing, though, is you need to sit down with this guy and have a serious heart-to-heart about your future(s). I think you should know if this guy is someone you could see yourself marrying, and vice-versa. Moving in together doesn't necessarily make that any clearer- it could actually do just the opposite-you find out all of the annoying things this other person does, and if you're living together with no legality to it, there really isn't any commitment there. And you have to want to get married "for better or worse" which after you move in together, trust me will probably get worse before it gets better!

    Good luck!
     
  3. Alidog

    Alidog Boxer Booster

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    I spoke to BF last night and finally let him know how what I trully think of what he has said to me. I explained to him that he cant expect me to put all my time and energy into the relationship if this is not what he sees for us in the future. I did not tell him that it is what I expect, just that I want to be told EXACTLY where he WANTS this to go and..now. THEN..he basically said that he wants to live with me, get married, retire & grow old together (he does tell me that often) but he cant say that it WILL happen.
    I think I understand what he is trying to tell me more now. He hopes it will happen but it does no good for us by saying it will happen - no one can predict the future. I guess I am most confused at the fact that if thats what you want, why not come and get it?

    As you can all probably tell, I am feeling pretty flustered and emotionally tired at the moment. Im only 20 and no I dont think I am 'mature' enough to marry right now. I should be thinking about how we can get through living on our own together, im not sure who made the post but they put it right..marriage is just a legality, i suppose you can be 'mentally & emotionally married' in love, not just in license.

    Thankyou all for your advice and support. I WILL keep you posted in how things go, it is so heartwarming to have all this support. I thankyou for sharing your experiences with me, I know they must be very personal and private. Thankyou
     
  4. Lael

    Lael Super Boxer

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    Hi Kat. (Nice name. ;) )

    Please take these next questions rightly, I'm not trying to grill you. As a young married person, I am trying to help you decide what is right for you now. Did you tell him how you feel and what you expect? Do you know how you feel? Did you need to know his answer before you could answer for yourself?

    When I got married at 22, I had to face some serious questions. Why was I getting married so young? Who was I living for? Does this person help me be who I want to be? Do I have the ability to listen close enough to help him be who he wants to be? Can I talk to him about what we want to become together?

    Because of my honest answers to these questions and opening them up to my hubby (then BF), I could marry him without looking back - and it has been the most wonderful experience for us both.

    I just wanted to share this with you, because you seem to be quite insightful. Maybe try to think about some of these things and talk about them with him. To me, this was the real 'stuff' about being mature enough to get married.

    I wish you the best. :)
    Cat
     
  5. jo.mcqueen

    jo.mcqueen Boxer Booster

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    I was engaged to another guy when I was only 17, thought he was wonderful at the time, was so sure he was the ONE!!!! I moved in with him after going out with him 2 1/2 years and geing engaged for a year...... We lasted 2 month after that, i think mainly because you really don't know someone until you live with them!!!!!

    I'm now 25 (nearly 26) have a wonderful BF who i have lived with for 5 years! I love him dearly and couldn't be happier, only now do I feel ready for taking the next step..... problem is BF thinks he's Peter Pan (he's 30 this year) and has all the time in the world! We have talked marriage and kids and I know it will happen one day so i'll settle for that!
     
  6. Alidog

    Alidog Boxer Booster

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    Oh gosh hearing your experiences has really made me thinking about slowing down! I want him to know how much I care about him and where I hope our relationship will end up in the future but I cant speed things up can I..good things take time, if its meant to be it will happen.
    To answer some questions, I have told him what I want and what he has told me hasnt changed or forced my way of thinking. I think I know where I am heading now and how I want things to happen. I want to see us reach a point where we can have some time alone, maybe living together away from the 'family' and seeing how we go it alone. I want to see if we can communicate when it gets to the nitty gritty (finances etc). He is looking at buying a home, I have offered to help him save towards a deposit but he has suggested that I could look at appliances, furntiure instead which I think is a safer way for the both of us. If I am to live with him I have decided to give him an amount per week (what I am calling rent) which he can decide to use in anyway (mortgage if he likes). I have told him that I do not want any claim to HIS home, what we pay for becomes ours and if we take the next step sometime in the future I would have the opportunity to contribute my portion to the mortgage.
    I want to thank everyone again for their advice, i think I am reaching a very comfortable point in our relationship. It will take a bit of time to get used to but ill get there! Thank you so much!
     
  7. basak

    basak Boxer Insane

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    You do sound very mature for a 20 year old but as tesster said, your ideas and perspectives will change unbelievably fast during your 20s.
    I would not chnage one day of my life, but then again I would not act the same way if I was this age, I know for sure.

    If it's meant to be, you guys will marry no matter what.

    As far as living together, I have lived with my husband before getting married. (IN Turkey that's big news people!!!!)
    I always follow my heart, never my brain. I listen to it all the time. Yes, I have paid for my past mistakes but I could always stand on my feet alone.
    Living together is never easy. Still not easy. But I love him. He loves me. We don't want to be apart;)

    good luck

    basak
     
  8. Billysmum

    Billysmum Boxer Insane

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    How come you feel too young to marry but you didn't feel too young to have a child with this guy?

    If you love each other then I suggest you buy a house together (not just him) and then get married.

    You don't only have yourself to think of - but your child too
     
  9. Alidog

    Alidog Boxer Booster

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    We dont have a child but we have a dog?? Im not sure if you picked up that we actually had a HUMAN child but we do have a boxer baby - ali. I think she is moreso his baby even though I bought her home..she loves him to bits and that makes me really happy. He's never had a dog before and it makes him feel really good inside that she is so into him. She is just like a human child though, she can be very hyper and messy and then she can be really helpful as well..like when your sweeping or hanging out the washing..NOT! No we dont have a human baby but you could almost say we are a happy family
     
  10. Billysmum

    Billysmum Boxer Insane

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    Sorry - my mistake - you said in your original post that you have a 'wee girl, Ali' and I thought you meant a human child.
     
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