Am I Being Unreasonable?? (LONG)

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buddy'smom

Boxer Pal
Okay I am so P#*@@ right now. I have been tutoring a neighbour girl for the past two weeks. The reason I am tutoring her is because this 13 year old girl in grade 8 has skipped school for 37 days this year and now is way behind in her work. This works out to over 7 weeks of school she has missed.
I have asked this girl to get together with me at 6:30 in the evening. So far this has not happened. It has always been 8PM or later that her dad has called and asked me to come over. We spend 2 to 3 hours a night on her work. I asked on Friday if there was any work to do on the weekend, and both she and her father said no. Last night (Sun) at 7pm I got a call to come over. Not much homework I was told. Well!!! This girl had a math project to do, a book report to do (She hasn't read the book yet) and 3 letters to write for English!!! All were due today(MON)
I told her no way would she get it done, and I spent an hour with her on the letters. When I left I specifically said to her and her father to call me by 6:30 pm. the next day, so that we could get together if she needed me. I also told her to read some of the book. No phone call at 6:30, or 7:00, or 7:30 but at 8:15 pm I got a call from dad that she needed help. I told him she was to have called at 6:30. He stated that he was not home at 6:30 but his daughter was. I refused to go over stating it was too late, I also have a life, and I also have to be up at 6 AM. to go to work. I honestly felt that this 13 year old could have called at the specified time. Said for them to call at 6:30 tomorrow night. Now I feel guilty. Am I being unreasonable here? I think that they are. What is your opinion. Sorry this post is so long, but I really needed to vent!!!!!

Jean

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Jean
Buddy--Born May 4 1993
Male Fawn
Cropped Ears
Our best friend and companion

Kailee--Female Brindle
Natural Ears
Born Oct. 16, 1998
Adopted by us October 27, 2000
 
Jean, first of all at 13 this girl should be able to read a clock!!! Second of all , I think DAD needs to take charge, if this was my kid, I would be having a MAJOR fit!Im sorry but I find the behavior of the girl and her father unacceptable.
Bless your heart for helping, but stick to your guns, if you continue to help her, make it on your terms.She needs to be taught to be responsible and if you keep going over late in the evening, than your just another adult that she is taking advantage of.
Good luck Jean, I sure wish you were my neighbor, did I mention that the house next door is for sale? You would have a boxer lover for a neighbor! :) :) :)

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Cindy Corl
Lacie female, brindle, natural ears,7-17-99
 

buddy'smom

Boxer Pal
I agree with everything you have said Cindy. This whole situation is whacko!!! This girl has been caught in major lies, caught with things she has stolen, and managed to miss all but two weeks of school this year. Dad is feeling sorry for himself, and sorry for his daughter. I did go to the school and arrange some in school counselling for her, which she attends once a week. I have told dad that she requires more proffessional help, and he agrees. I am in the process of finding a private therapist for them but so far everyone I have contacted has a 6 month waiting list just to get the assessment done. I do believe I am going way out of my way, but I feel very strongly that with the right help and someone seeing her through this, there is probably some hope for her. She is a very bright girl, and there is no reason that she can't get caught up in her school work if she just applied herself. I realize though that with the other problems she seems to have, school work may not be the priority right now. Anyway, I have told dad, and his girlfriend of 6 years that at some point I will have to back off and allow them to gradually take the reins. They both seem very hesitant to do this, stating they are very comfortable allowing me to do it. I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew here. Any way thanks for your opinion, you have made me feel that I am in the right here. I will stick to my guns on this issue.

Jean

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Jean
Buddy--Born May 4 1993
Male Fawn
Cropped Ears
Our best friend and companion

Kailee--Female Brindle
Natural Ears
Born Oct. 16, 1998
Adopted by us October 27, 2000
 
Jean, now Im going to get on my soap box :) I sure hope I dont affend anyone :) These are just my beliefs and I know alot of people dont agree..........I am a stay at home mother of 2 kids. both my husband and I felt that if we had had kids then I need to home and be responsible for raising them. They are rarely ever at a babysitters although they do stay with Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles when I have something to do.My girls have never been to a day care.there are lots of things my husband and I dont have but that will all come in time. We live on one income and that is the way we chose to do it.I dont send my kids to school when they are sick, I dont use the school as a day care. Gosh, I better shut up! :)
Anyway, Im not saying you should give up on this girl or her family, Im just saying she needs to learn to follow the rules like we all have to. And her Dad needs to realize that she is HIS resposibilty. Once again, I say bless you for helping out.

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Cindy Corl
Lacie female, brindle, natural ears,7-17-99
 

crabby69

Super Boxer
Well it's obvious that this particular apple didn't fall far from the tree. A 13 year old girl can maybe be forgiven for being a scatter-brain but her father has no excuse!

Cindy is right again. You can't be taken advantage of against your will. Tell them that it upsets you. Besides the fact that you have a life, if you are an educator with a heart (and it sounds like you are), it has to be just killing you that this girl is not taking advantage of the opportunity you are offering her. You can't save them all I guess. If it comes down to an ultimatum, stick to it. Let them know you mean business.

Leta
Mother to Clio, flashy fawn, natural eared female with sox.
 

buddy'smom

Boxer Pal
Hi Cindy and Leta,
Thanks for your support. I am not a proffessional educator. I spent most of my working career as a counsellor with the physically and mentally challenged. I then spent 6 years as a supervisor of a school aged daycare program. We dealt with what is called the "Latch Key Kids", giving them a program to attend before and after school. I commend you Cindy on your decision to be a stay at home mom. Having worked in the daycare and school system, I have seen the positive and the negative side to a two career family. My husband and I both worked while David grew up, but we did opposite shifts so that someone was at home with David at all times. He never went to a daycare or sitter, always at home, or sometimes at my parents if our shifts overlapped. I left the counselling and daycare career to take search for a job that did not require a lot of stress and allow me to be at home as much as possible. David was done college, so my income was not as important then, however we too have had to make some major adjustments in our lifestyle to accomodate living on basically my husbands income. I have over the past couple of years tutored a few kids, but never anyone as troubled as this one. I have decided that tonight I will lay down the ground rules of: I will only tutor on Tuesday and Thursday from 6:30 until 8:00 pm. In between times she can work on some of the stuff herself, and her dad can help her if she needs it. Sound Fair to You???

Jean

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Jean
Buddy--Born May 4 1993
Male Fawn
Cropped Ears
Our best friend and companion

Kailee--Female Brindle
Natural Ears
Born Oct. 16, 1998
Adopted by us October 27, 2000
 

crabby69

Super Boxer
WOW! After reading more about your background, I REALLY feel sorry for this girl for turning her back on this opportunity. I was a 'latch key kid' before there was a name for it. I'm 35 now and looking back, things would have been different had there been someone like you in my life.

I dropped out of school in my junior year, got pregnant and had a miscarriage at 16, married a man just like my father (drunken abuser), and basically went through all the things a child with no supervision or direction goes through.

I don't blame my parents, they did what they had to do. And I am happy to say, I got my high school equivalency diploma, then went on to college and earned my associates degree and am now working in a hospital doing a job that was created for me (job security). I feel 'successful' now but when I look back at all that wasted time...it makes me want to take this girl by the shoulders and rattle some sense into her!

Leta
 
I also remember coming home to a empty house, maybe thats why Im so careful that my girls never come home from school to a empty house.
Jean, your plan sounds right. Stick to your guns. Has then family had any group counseling?
Just wanted to tell you Jean, that for 2 yrs before I had kids I was a manager of a group home for mentally and physically handicapped adults. Boy the stories I could tell you! :)

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Cindy Corl
Lacie female, brindle, natural ears,7-17-99
 

warmellie

Boxer Booster
I guess this is pretty much a repeat of what everyone else has said, but no....I do not think it is being unreasonable to specify 6:30 and then stick to it. They are being selfish and do not care that they are putting you out by waiting so late to call. It doesn't matter what the reason, even if the father is not at home.....if they can't abide by the rules....then you can't help them. I am not in any way saying you should give up....I am saying you should stick to your rules and do not give in. If in the process of this it comes down to you not being able to help, then so be it. You did all you could within your power. On a side note: if the father wants to help his daughter then maybe he needs to try to be home more and offer supervision.....

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Melissa
Bossk (04/01/97)
Lucas (03/01/00)
Bossk's Den http://pages.ivillage.com/melissawarr
 

buddy'smom

Boxer Pal
Thankyou All!!
At 5:30 pm the phone rang and it was dad letting me know that his daughter would be over at 6:30 pm for some help. She arrived promptly and we worked on her Math and English. We were done just before 8 o'clock. I explained to them that I would like to set my days for Tues and Thurs. at 6:30pm. Dad agreed, but the daughter seemed a bit uncomfortable. Seems she likes the female company and attention. Usually after her homework session we talk about her week and any problems she may be having. Since I have adopted the nonjudgmental role with her, she tells me a lot of things, and I just listen sometimes offering advice, but never judging her. When I realized how much she relied on just the company end of it, I then (sucker that I am) told her to call me should she need my help on any other days, other than what was scheduled. We'll see what happens, but for now I don't see her until Thurs.

Jean

------------------
Jean
Buddy--Born May 4 1993
Male Fawn
Cropped Ears
Our best friend and companion

Kailee--Female Brindle
Natural Ears
Born Oct. 16, 1998
Adopted by us October 27, 2000
 
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